sick of problems

What do I talk about today?  This is the question I wonder every time I sit down to write a blog, whether it's here or on my other, more geared toward young women with breast cancer blog www.mypinkprincessesblog.blogspot.com.  I remember there used to be a time when my mind was always wanting to blog.  Blog.  Blog.  Blog.  I always had something to say and couldn't wait to say it.  These days I pretty much have to start writing and it just comes to me while I'm writing.  It's probably why they get so scattered.  So here goes it.

Lately I've been dealing with something kind of new.  If you recall or even if you don't, I was on long term high dose steroids for a long period of time, I don't know two plus?  It was about the time I went into the hospital in July of 2014.  In fact I think the same week, when I was diagnosed with diabetes as a result of the steroids.  No problem, I think to myself, I've been there done that.  And I have, years ago after being on steroids for an extended period of time while undergoing treatment.  I had diabetes, then it went away.  After that I swore I would never be on them again no matter what the doctors wanted.  Well, fast forward a few years. I start a treatment that starts to work just as we realize I'm allergic to it.  Great right?  So I was sent to an allergist who put me on a buttload of pills, a regimen to keep me from having another allergic reaction.  And lots of steroids were involved.  I'm still battling the 50+ pounds that those wonderful steroids gifted me.  It's kind of hard with my whole lung problem thing to exercise but I'm not giving up on it.  

Well, when I was first diagnosed with diabetes in 2014, it wasn't so bad.  In fact the medicine my doctor gave me to lower it actually put me at dangerously low levels in my blood sugar.  I had to stop the medicine and I kind of coasted through diabetes thinking it was under control.  Until recently.  My blood sugar suddenly started going through the roof.  At first I ignored it.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the girl who knows without a doubt, to never ignore the problems in your body, ignored her medical issue.  Eventually even stopped taking her blood sugar.  That's me, if you ignore it, it goes away, right?  Well, my oncologist, when she did my blood work started to notice the trend of increasingly high blood sugar, and I couldn't ignore it anymore.  Not to mention I started getting lethargic at times, after meals, sometimes just randomly.  I could say, hey, that's the chemo, but I know when the chemo kicks my ass, and it's not all the time.  Just a few days following my treatment.  

I knew I had to address it but didn't want to deal with another problem full force.  I was sick of problems and felt I had enough to worry about without thinking about diabetes.  My heart for one, because of my heart failure, I need to watch my sodium.  Two, my lungs, I have to stay on top of my oxygen levels and wear my oxygen (one of the things I hate about it).  I've learned if I think, just because I am home and not doing much I don't have to wear my oxygen, then the next day I'm so short of breath it feels like an emergency.  I have to focus on breathing, which, come on, who does that?  I do, now anyway, I think I have learned my lesson when it comes to my lungs.  

So, diabetes has been my main demon for the last few weeks, a month probably two. Although,  I still do chemo, lost some hair, can't decide if I want to shave it.  It all fell out towards the front of my head, some patches underneath but I look really weird with half hair half no hair.  I wish it fell out Mohawk style again, that would have been cool lol.

I went to the doctor today about my diabetes and we spoke about a lot of things.  He's wondering if maybe it's Type 1 diabetes, but isn't sure.  He's checking to see if I have a build up of acid in my body, and if so he's admitting me to the hospital to be treated for that.  It was a lot of information all at once about a subject that is still kind of foreign to me.  Depending on how the medicine I started on today works, I may or may not start insulin.  So this next week, I call with my readings daily so he can monitor my progress.

Sometimes everything seems like too much.  I just want to kick and scream, cry and beat things or people.  Fortunately, I have learned to hold in those emotions but sometimes they bubble to the surface trying to get out.  Today was one of those days.  Please pray for my sanity, for my ability to handle what comes my way, my health, my daughter's health, my ability to parent, and anything else you may think I need help with.

xo,

Shannon