(Taylor Swift's 1989 cd is my background to writing this blog btw. Addicted, I know)
One thing that comes back to me over and over again is people. People who have come in and out of my life. Some leave on good terms, to a see ya later. Some, no contact ever again. A brilliant woman told me recently "when one door closes, another one opens". That was definitely not the first time I had heard that saying. But the first time I had heard it in reference to loss of friendship. Not loss from death. I was upset over the loss of a friendship that had been with me for a long time in my life and it was found out that she couldn't be trusted or relied on as a friend, and I had a hard time getting through those feelings. I'm not positive that I am 100% through those feelings but her saying those words helped. A lot. More then any other advice given. I was with a group of girls and they all agreed with her. So I put it to the test. I let go, even more. It was like magic. Suddenly friends I hadn't been in touch with because of my and my crap and them and their stuff, you know marriage, making babies, growing up or whatever, were contacting me. Party here, lunch there, visits whenever. It just was so helpful, so thank you to everyone who has helped me through this time, and those that God put me on their heart to reach out to, and for all the killer advice. Maybe the old friendship will be restored one day but it will be different, I know that because I'm different. I'm happier now.
It also helped me work through a fight with someone I decided it would be the last fight because they seemed to live on it. I mean I'll be there when she needs me, anytime day or night, I just won't put as much stock into it. She didn't even seem to trust me. Guys, to be honest, I am way too self absorbed to be planning your demise, or stalking you, or hurting you. I feel rude saying that but I have to say it. There's not much more to me then what you see. I'm bluntly honest. I ask what I want to ask, say what I want to say, and if I forget I ask again. I think that last thing is the part that freaks some people out. I forget. If I want to remember I write it down. Then I can't find the notebook I write it in so I have to ask again. So now I sound like a creeper who's trying to plan your demise by asking everything, again. Did I mention I was self absorbed. Really bad quality. Especially when chemo has burned out your memory cells for ten years and it's like one long Memento experience. That movie freaked me out dude. Messed with my head for days. But get it into your heads people I will not call by name on here, I am just a normal, aggravating, crazy at times (but you like it), friend. I'm not an international spy sent with your family as targets, or a crazy stalker (I mean no car people...if I had one I would be doing stuff...fun stuff...maybe stalking you on the side...kidding). I don't even know enough about a computer to cyber stalk you. I mean in more than a facebook kind of way. And that's only if I'm like "oh I wonder how such and such is doing, let me look at their page", then I like pictures from today to the past six months. I may be bi-polar but that just makes life a little more adventurous for us all. Praise God for modern medicine. Most of this is old stuff that was just on my head today. And frankly it's my mental friends who think this stuff...you know who you are...and YES I am talking about you!!
And husbands I am not trying to get into your wives pants. Sure this comes out of nowhere on here but it's a thing in my life as a single woman, more so one that hasn't dated in years and has no plans to in the future, but even when I was single with a baby this happened too. Husbands think I want their wives. I'm pro gay/lesbian all the way. I believe you're born that way, though there are a select few who just love whichever person they love be it a man this year, a woman the next. But I watched people grow up who were obviously gay/lesbian growing up and turned out, what do ya know gay/lesbian. All at their own pace but it wasn't random. I am pro gay/lesbian marriage and to be honest, I don't care who knows it. I will not get into a debate with you about it, because you will try to make me see my error in my ways but to be honest, there isn't any. I mean, when it comes to this topic. There's plenty elsewhere. How did I get onto this subject. Ohhhhh husbands.
So that's that husbands. I am a friend. Why does no one believe in that word anymore? We became adults and suddenly there is no way you are not having sex with that person, ya'll hang out way too much. Sure, if we were having sex we may hang out that much too but we aren't, and we are having fun without it. People don't need sex to have fun. Sure it is fun, but it doesn't go into every relationship. People there are boundaries, and I for one, only cross the ones that say no hugs, I won't hit on you I will hug without warning. So duck.
I guess this is just going to be a blog to vent about random crap.
I did start my new chemo this past week. Guess I should catch you guys up on that. I started on Tuesday. Tuesday it didn't really do anything to me so that was cool. Wednesday was a real bad day. Real bad. Thursday, not as bad. and Friday, better. I get the medicine two weeks on, then one week off. These first two doses she's giving me 20% less then what my dose will be. Because of my reactions to medicines and all the medicine I have been on, there is a high possibility that my counts will just take a nosedive come the two week mark. Doc just wants to see how my body is going to react before I get that in it's entirety. I agreed with the plan. The last med I started almost killed me so, yeah, let's start slow.
I've had really tired days, more then normal but also one really kick ass pumped up, electric charge kind of day. Only natural that the next day I can barely walk two steps without falling over myself. But it was a really fun pumped up day, and I got some stuff done which was cool. That was Saturday. Today is the tired crappy day. But was a really good day otherwise. The lady in front of me at church bought my breakfast, it really helped cuz groceries kind of killed me for the rest of the month. I shouldn't have been buying it anyway.
Plus I've got to bring my dog to the vet this week. I don't know how this is going to work. The last of my money for the whole month going to the dog this week. It scares me to think about it but God always works it out so I've chosen not to think about it. You do what you've got to do for the ones you love.
And speaking of those I love...you guys...I'm sorry it took so long for me to write this time...I'll try better next time...sorry for the bi-polar ADHD rants, but that's the way you love them!
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