the ups and downs of a moody, major depressive, bipolar daughter

Not much has been going on lately.  Besides sleeping on the most amazing bed ever, I haven't really been doing much.  But oddly enough I probably have done more in the last week then I did all month.  Last Saturday, a couple I'm friends with, had a birthday party for their two boys (their birthdays are both in January, less then a year apart).  I hadn't been able to catch up with them in years and being able to just be in their presence (there were 40-50 people there so actually spending time with them was hard to do) and see how much their family has grown made me feel so blessed.  I felt so blessed to just be able to call them my friends and it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling of family.  Spending time with my friend's family, his mother/father/brother/sister in law/and other friend's and family just always gives me a feeling of belonging and at my age it doesn't come around too often. 

 Even in my own family I feel like I'm right on the outside looking in.  I feel like I have to shout to be heard and even if I'm heard I'm not listened to and anything I say gets laughed off as unimportant, useless, and my opinions vetoed.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family to death.  I believe they love me in all their different ways.  What I'm saying isn't always the case, but it's the way I feel, so I'm writing about it, I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings or anger anyone.  I feel not listened too, shut out, and like I don't have a voice and still at 35 it feels like in some situations I am not allowed to make my own decisions.  At this point in my life I do put my foot down but it just feels like it gets stepped on and broken.  More then ever in the past,  In a way I feel controlled.  I know a lot of it comes from a great place in their heart.  It comes from caring and loving me and worrying about me, not wanting me to get hurt, protecting me.  But I am 35 years old and I am old enough to make my own decisions.  I am of sound mind.  Even at my worst I've still been coherent.  Except when I've been in the hospital, sometimes I'm on a lot of drugs there so I'm knocked out most of the time and when I'm awake I make no sense.  But it's frustrating because sometimes I just want them to hear me and just listen.

But like I said, I have mad love for each and every one of them.  No matter good or bad.  I love all of my in-laws.  I do have a great sense of family around them as well, just different.  Plus I have my bad side that is hard to love I'm sure.  My mom gets the brunt of that because I'm always with her so she gets all the moods.  All the ups and downs of a moody, major depressive, bipolar daughter.  Make sure to keep her in your prayers lol.  She says she just ignores me, she's so used to my dad I guess lol.  But she's so good at dealing with me, I guess because she's my mother and has dealt with me forever.  What's funny is Madisyn doesn't even get that side of me.  I do get angry, just like every parent, when she doesn't listen but she get's the adult Shannon for the most part whereas my mom gets the Shannon who is whiny and pouty.  I'm crazy, ya'll.  I just am.  But I love it.

I also had the opportunity to go to the LSU basketball game last night for a girls night out.  I had so much fun and love the fact that I got to spend time with some old friends and meet a new one.  I haven't had a girls night in so long.  I just pray I get to continue to do things like that.  To get out the house and enjoy life.  I miss that.

Now, the reason I sat down to write.  I'm at M.D. Anderson's and I had my ultrasound this morning.  I don't know if you are new to my blog or if you are a avid reader but you may or may not remember that some of my tumors don't show up on the PET scan and only show up on the ultrasound.  When something odd if found on the ultrasound they then biopsy them to find out if they are cancerous.  So after two hours of them ultrasounding me, only on the right breast, underarm, and clavicle, chest, etc.  No kidding, two hours.  Their findings were significant growth in all the  tumors, one is just too big to measure and a brand new one.  It's my first new tumor in a real long time.  I'm confused on how to feel.  It reminds me of when they told me I needed a heart defibrillator only to tell me I'm not a candidate for one.  It's that same confusion of mixed emotions.  It's again in my reconstructed breast.  My mom asked me if I'm going to have a double masectomy again.  I laughed.  Go in for my second double masectomy.  That's funny no matter who you are.  I'm waiting for my doctor's appointment.  We had three and a half hours to kill in between appointments so we have been hanging out reading, sleeping, writing, you get the picture.  I'm so happy Casey Bridges gave me a mini Ipad for my birthday because I'm getting to watch hulu, I could do it on my phone but it's really a small screen.  

Anyway even with all the distractions I still can't help but be thinking, "what kind of medicine am I going to have to get on", "will it be bad?", "how is this going to change the way my life is now?", "what's going to happen?".  Plenty other questions are running through my head but that's a big enough example.  I was going to wait until later to blog but I wanted to work through these emotions first.  I felt like I would forget to say everything I wanted to say if I did that.  So you will probably be getting a second blog either today or tomorrow.

I also had crazy news yesterday about my vertigo.  I went through a whole bunch of tests trying to find the cause of the vertigo.  The findings came back inconclusive and that there is something wrong in my brain.  We can't thoroughly check my brain because I'm allergic to contrast they give you for the scan to really work.  It's probably just some wires crossed up there, I'm not going to stress too much about it.  Doc told me to mention it to my Doc today, see what she says.  So I'll do that.  Agh.  Everything is just bull.  I mean can I get a normal month?  Maybe one, two would be nice.  But really I'm just gonna deal.  One step in front of the other, one day at a time.

Until later,

Shannon