Tuesday, December 9, 2014

so wud hada happened was

I'll start with this...I feel crappy.  Went all day talking about how good I felt today and how this week I've felt better then I have had in a long time, and well tonight I feel crappy. I'm hurting in more places then I even knew I had.  I had a little virus this past weekend, but still with that I have felt better lately.  Whatever the virus was both Madisyn and I got it.  My stomach hurts (could be that fabulous cake from the Survive Dat meeting today), I'm achy, cranky, and can't get comfortable.  I'm nauseous and it's no fun.  It's frustrating.  And not having spell corrector on here is gritting my nerves even more.  Come on Blogger!  Get with the picture!

On another note, tonight I was telling someone about how I live in a straightaway tunnel in which I feel like I don't want anyone to ask me about cancer and when asked they why it got me to thinking.  Why?  All I could think was that I was just sick of it.  Sick of my cancer, your cancer, everyone's cancer.  Cancer here, cancer there, cancer everywhere.  Why in the world do we not know what causes this yet?  Why don't we know how to cure it yet?  And me, I'm a positive mark in the world of cancer.  I'm still here, on treatment, but here and alive.  Me still having cancer and living shouldn't be good enough.  We should nip this thing in the bud.  We need to say F-this!  This is bull-!  Cure this **** and get it over with already.  Stop making new people have to here the words "you have cancer".  Stop letting there be new people to meet who have cancer.  Just stop it all!  It's not fair and this shouldn't be anyone's life.  That being said, I'm glad it's mine and not yours.  That's the one of the only things that make it worth it.  Knowing that you don't have to go through it.  But if you do, know I'm here.  I hate when I have to go through things alone, and if you do too, call me...or email...or text...or skype...or vox me...or bbm me...and whatever other app you want to talk to me on, I'll download.  As long as there is no cure there will be more of you in my court, and I'm sorry.  I hope it's not you.

And on a third note, I read my nonfiction book!  It was called If I am Missing or Dead by Janine Latus.  Let me start by saying, I really have wanted to read this book for a long time.  I didn't read anything on it, just knew it was a story about a girl whose sister left a note pretty much telling the cops who her murderer would probably be.  She said in the letter that she couldn't imagine them every needing this letter but she was writing it just in case.  

Poor girl.  She felt this way, was in some way scared for her life and never felt she had strength to leave.  She lived in fear and one day her worst fear came true.  This happens so much every day to people all around us.  It is appalling.  How come we have to live like this?  How come life can be so cruel.  At least I'm just fighting a war within my body and I don't have to face someone everyday who scares me to death.  I can't imagine what was going through her head to where she didn't feel like she could go to her mother or father or either of her two brothers or either of her two sisters.  If you feel this way get out!  There are programs for help for people in this situation and if you need to find one, ask me, I can help.  The thing was they don't even know if he beat her.  The letter only states that he borrowed thousand and thousands of dollars from her.  She was newly out of debt, had her own place, met him on the Internet and he came and never left.  They found her body wrapped in carpet in a newly formed construction site.  That wasn't what I wanted to say about the book though.

The book aggravated the crap out of me.  The part I just explained was the last chapter and a sentence from the end of another.  The whole rest of the book is about the author and her life growing up, being on her own, her failed relationships, her experiences in motherhood, marriage, and her successful writing endeavor.  The sister who was murdered was many years younger and so you didn't really hear much about her.  While her sister was growing up, this girl, Janine was busy in life.  I wanted more about her sister.  From the title it seems like it may be about her sister more.  I kept reading waiting to read more about her sister and was kind of disappointed.  When she did throw in something about her sister it was about how big her sister was, the fact that all she did was watch tv and movies, eat chocolate and popcorn, and did not work out non stop like her.  It almost felt like she was trashing on her sister.  That she couldn't just love her, every inch of her.  Janine tells us she spoke at her sister, Amy's funeral.  In the speech she talks of how Amy was happy to lose weight.  In my mind I don't feel like that is talking about who Amy was or remembering her.  I felt like it was her sister still judging her for being overweight.  But hey, this was only my opinion, you will have your own.  Coming from someone who has been both a gym rat and over weight I've learned that being overweight isn't the end of the world.  Life goes on and you can still look good no matter what your weight.  I think I was more self conscious the skinnier I've been, except on my bad days when suddenly I feel like I need a man and will never find one because I'm overweight.  On normal days I know that's sh**.  I also know that it would be hard for a guy to find his way into my life, my set ways, my time.  He would have to bang my door down pretty much.

So that's my nonfiction book.  I started reading book three in the Bloodlines series by Richelle Mead but then realized it's been so long since I read book 2 that I had no idea what hada happened in book 2 and in turn had no idea what she was talking about in book 3.  So today I restarted book 2.  So I'm on page 3 of The Golden Lily by Richelle Mead.  I know I loved the book, one because if I didn't I wouldn't have bought book 3 plus Richelle Mead is one of my favorites and I've loved everything else I have come across so going by that logic I know I will love book 3 too.

Madisyn and I have been binge watching Agents of Shield  on ABC/Netflix since Thanksgiving.  If you don't know, Shield runs along with The Avengers, Ironman, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, I'm sure I'm forgetting something.  It's only in its second season so the only movies the tv show has actually gone along with is Thor 2 and Captain America 2.  But seriously, it's so cool.  It reminds me of how The Arrow and The Flash  have teamed up together, or how The Vampire Diaries and The Originals have teamed up.  Shield first shows themselves in Ironman, I think, and Samuel L. Jackson plays the director in all of the movies so far.  Shield, the tv show, focuses around this character out of The Avengers, who in the movie dies, but is brought back to life by Director Fury and a science project, for the sake of not spoiling it for anyone.  The greatest part (okay, maybe not the greatest part) is Samuel L. Jackson showing up in the tv show reprising his role as Director Nick Fury more then once.  Not only that but so does Cobie Smulders who reprises her role as Agent Maria Hill from the movie The Avengers.  She appears in only two episodes so far (boo).  With all that being said it's no surprise that I absolutely love this show.  The second season has been thrown into a special branch of tv, they changed a few things I kind of wish they hadn't.  But I'm willing to go with it as long as they don't veer too far off the edge.  I'd like to see where they are taking us.

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving holiday was amazing and am hoping you all are getting your Christmas shopping without going to crazy.  Just remember it's a season of beauty, peace, togetherness, and love so remember that when you are fighting crowds at the mall and even while surfing amazon or whatever website you treasure (mine being amazon).

I want to give a shout out to The Life of a Single Mom Ministry.  Jennifer Maggio and her crew really outdo themselves always.  This year, no different.  I can't even explain the amazingness they have brought me this holiday season alone.  For Thanksgiving a family contacted her about wanting to bless a family with a Thanksgiving meal.  They referred her to me.  We just finished eating the food we didn't freeze.  I just defrosted some soup I made from the leftover turkey yesterday.  This has kept us fed since Thanksgiving.  They want to bless us for the holidays too.  Jennifer brought over a beautiful plant for Thanksgiving, something that was so little that meant so much.  They then referred someone who called the ministry about wanting to bless a mom with a decorated tree for the holidays to me.  They set me up with a comped meal at Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro, we could order whatever we liked, and we did that while a friend of hers and her decorated a tree she supplied.  The tree is so beautiful.  More then I could dream of.  I'm not even getting out any of my other decorations, well maybe a couple.  But it's gorgeous.  .  The girl, Meghan, referred me to a family that wants to bless us for the holidays.  It's like this really fantastic game of domino's.  Then just as we finished up food from Thanksgiving I went to The Life of a Single Mom's Ministry's annual Christmas party and they handed out free hams, which I made tonight.  Not only that but I was able to shop for two of my nephews while at the Christmas party and found something for my daughter.  It was an amazing experience.  I know they don't do anything for glory which makes them even more amazing.  They do it to bless these mothers that we know work hard for their families every day of the year.  Just because.  If that's not God I don't know what is.

I've got to tell you guys that after awhile of being out of church while I figured out how to live life without being able to drive I am happy to be back.  I love Pastor Mike and the whole crew at HPC and am not sure how I made it this long with my Sundays being bleak and boring.  It gives me something to do, a sense of community, and somewhere to be with others who feel the same way I do.  I finally got my mother to give me rides to church on Sunday's.  Somehow she is okay with that, but I may even have that taken care of now.  I can give my mom her Sunday's back probably.  She wakes up, goes to 8:00 mass at her church, would go home, do a thing or two, and come pick me up for 11:15 service at my church, find something to do for an hour and a half, and pick me up, bring me to the store for what I need for dinner, and finally she would get home around 2 or so.  I know she doesn't mind but sometimes I do.  I just don't like her having to plan her day around me.  She already does it so much.  But that's what moms are for I guess.  I would do anything for Madisyn in a heartbeat.  So I guess I know how it is when it's your kid.

So after writing nonstop for an hour, that my dears is all for tonight

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