For everything there is a time...

I watched The Fault in Our Stars yesterday.  When it was in theaters I refused to watch it even said I would never.  I have major ptsd from cancer and seeing it in film stirs major emotions in me and none of them good.  Anger, frustration, depression, sadness, aggravation, and just straight pissiness.  But one day my daughter was reading the book.  While she was at school curiosity got the best of me and I read it.  I. never. stopped. crying.  So, after this weekend I figured this is the best time to watch it.  While I"m already crying anyway.  OMG!  The movie was perfectly depicted from the book.  There was no "I don't remember that from the book" or "why did they not put yadayadayada in" (well except for her friend but I agree, she made no difference in the book either).  So if you read the book you won't be disappointed.

When I read it I had recently been released from the hospital, which was, for lack of better terms, the worst moments in my life.  But the series of events that occurred in the hospital kind of were exactly the events that happened in the beginning of the book to her.  Well, there were a gazillion more things that happened while I was in the hospital but the main parts were written for me in that book.  Put into a book.  A book that predated my own trip by a good while.  My emotions went c.r.a.z.y that day.  So wasn't I crazy to watch the movie?  Well to be honest, sure I cried, but it was nothing compared to that day.  Great movie though guys, watch it.

A couple years ago I was dating this guy.  A guy who seemed to know me inside and out.  I say seemed because in the manner that we broke up he didn't seem to know me at all.  But forget that.  At the time I was a huge Parenthood fan and religiously watched it.  Then they threw in cancer.  Not just any cancer, breast cancer.  I flipped.  Being someone who loved me so, I was strictly told not to ever watch the show again by said boyfriend.  He wasn't kidding.  He had found out what was happening on Parenthood and knew I was watching it and warned me just in time.  Gosh there was love there back then.  Oh well.  But that was just another example of my problems with cancer, I just wanted to paint a picture.

I guess it all stems from resenting it.  Resenting the life it took from me.  The carefree, semi-happy, mother who had energy to work, go to school full time, and be a mom.  Energy to bake on holidays, exercise twice a day, and the unseen hope that caused me to make future plans.  You don't realize it when it's happening, but in the position I've been in for the past 9 and 1/2 years I stopped making plans.  The plans that are made are ones like "m.d. andersons in three months, doctors appt next week, changing medicine at next appt, and that's about it.  It came to a point when I started standing up people on accident.  On accident because I'd be sick and asleep and never aware that I was supposed to be at such and such for such and such time.  Or a trip to a ranch that got cancelled the night before because my doctor didn't want me around horses.

I could go on but I was reminded today while at my SurviveDat meeting (a support group for young women with cancer) that God has his plans for me and it doesn't matter if I make plans or not, He will be the one in charge.  I can't tell you how much those girls mean to me.  They make this life bearable.  They remind me of the good when all I see is bad.  Thanks gals, if you read this one day.

I hope you all have people in your life like some of the ones I have come across.  I was also reminded that for every thing there is a time.  Friends too.  Some may be there and you never think you would ever not be friends and sometimes you realize you have to move on.  It's something I have been dealing with lately and it's hard.  It's hard to be hurt so badly by someone you love so much.  But for everything there is a time and that time is over.  Here's to the future!