Thursday, November 13, 2014

come back to earth

So I'm at a loss of what to talk about today.  I'm late, as usual, posting after midnight for the day before.  I've been working really hard with Madisyn for school.  This week we've gone one night without sleeping, one with three hours, and tonight I think she is going to be up all night again.  But if she didn't leave a project she got a month ago to the last week then life would probably be easier.  So, she's grounded till I see she knows how to do her work.  She's always had a problem with homework, and well, doing it.  But that's all I'm going to say because she's in high school now and would die if she saw me writing about her at all.  


Earlier today I had a complete thought about what to write about and I didn't write it down, so the ramblings of Shannon continue with no direction.

I guess I will tell you about my day.  It was a bad one...not the part where I worked from 3-12 helping my child with a project (don't worry she did it, it was to make a manga, she drew and wrote it, I just typed up what was said and glued it...took FOR-EV-ER!).  The part where I woke up with a migraine, feeling like I smoked a pack of cigarettes the night before while out dancing, and nausea like I was on major chemotherapy.  My body refused to move.  Had an appointment to go grocery shopping with my mom, to which my mom did it for me.  Love my mom.  Especially because she takes my bitchiness very well.  I would have shot me by now.  But back to today. It was a mystery to me why I woke up that way.  I used to wake up like that a lot and once I realized why those mornings had stopped I realized why it happened again.  I was so tired last night that I passed out without putting my BiPap machine back on.  I slept with no oxygen, no BiPap, no nuthin.  

This made me realize two things.  Don't ever forget to do that again.  I still have the migraine.  It was my lung doctor who, once I told him my symptoms of how I wake up, it was him who realized I'm not breathing right and getting enough oxygen and that my lungs weren't working right (GO CIGARETTE SMOKERS! HAVE A BLAST!)  My lung problems, thankfully, can't be attributed to smoking, they are attributed to chemo.  I have before and afters.  But it just as easily could be me with lung cancer or messed up lungs from smoking.  But lung problems are lung problems no matter how you get them, none deserved more then the other so just know I'm not saying that at all.  I'm just saying quit already cuz this sucks ass.

So I forgot my BiPap, so I had a day of horribleness.  First was getting myself up.  I felt like if I were to try to get up I would fall apart like the vamprires do in some of the movies.  They just kind of turn to dust.  I don't know if that was a good metaphor or not because it's hard to describe.  I guess kind of like when you have the flu and your whole body aches, kind of like that.  Well a lot like that. I had to take nausea meds first.  Then I did my nebulizer, which was bad idea cuz it made me almost throw up.  I have to do my blood sugar and weight before I eat so I did those real fast ( I have to weigh myself daily and if I gain a few pounds I have to take more fluid pills because that means my I'm filling up with fluid and we need to get it out of there).  So then I cooked breakfast, yummy.  Yep I dragged myself to the kitchen and cooked a whole meal for myself.  That was an accomplishment for a day like today. 

After I ate I went upstairs and finished my vitals and all the other stuff I do in the mornings (blood pressure, oxygen levels, potassium cocktail, take meds, blood thinner shot, and other stuff).  By the time I finished all this and showered, I sat down with my BiPap to read and Madisyn comes home from school.  Yep, that took all.day.long.  So tonight, the BiPap is my best friend.  

And two (in the things it made me realize) is that I actually need the BiPap.  It made me realize, yep, there's something real wrong there.  I hadn't woken up like that since I have been on it, and as soon as I forgot, it was back.  It's one of those things, like my oxygen, I (along with some accusing people) would wonder if I was "faking" needing oxygen and well I wasn't sure (even though I took a strenuous test to see if I needed one at home) if I needed the BiPap.  You always second doubt yourself.  I had kind of maybe, well, hoped, that I didn't really need it.  So it proved me wrong, and I have to take that in, to admit to myself, "well, I am a little sick".  I spend my life trying to ignore it but sometimes on days like today it slaps me in the face and says get your head out of the clouds and come back to earth.  It's not like other days I'm super not sick, just not like today.  I say that because it has been hard lately physically and I can just look around and remember that I've had a bad week or two.

But I will use what I need to use to stay "not as sick" as today.  And hopefully I won't need it at all at some point.  Well I'm not sure I want to try and see, cuz I don't want today again if I can help it.

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