So earlier today I had a thought. While watching a preview for a movie about a girl with cancer and the guy she meets and enjoys life with before she dies, I couldn't help but wonder, "When's my story going to start?"
Don't ask me why I thought that or where it came from. I know my story has started and every day it continues on, but watching that preview I felt anger. Anger towards cancer, anger towards life, anger towards circumstance, anger towards anything and everything. Fact is I haven't dated, like really dated, since I left my husband in 2006. Everyone likes to remind me that I have had alot going on since then but then I see all these dramatic films about cancer patients and they all meet these amazing partners that they share their life with until the end. I sat there staring at the screen, crying. Crying not about the preview but about my own life. If I didn't have company I would have ran straight to my room, thrown my head in my pillow and cried. Half of me wanted to do that the other half wanted to run outside and live. Granted it was 10:30 on a Sunday night and there probably wasn't much going on. For the past six years I have watched as other peoples' lives continue forward while my life has come full circle since the year 2001. In 2001 I lived in these same apartments that I now live in again. At that point I was a single mom with no thoughts of dating but at the same point wishing I could meet someone. I was broke but making enough money to pay the bills and feed us. Since the year 2005 I have pretty much just gone from living in one place to living in another. I am stuck in a rut and I need to break out.
I decided to start writing books. Well, I have started a few but didn't want to go any further because I wanted a computer to do it on so I won't have to end up typing anyways. Unfortunately I just don't have good luck with things like electronics. We finally got the computer my friend Leigh Anne had given us (one she was getting rid of) to start working and I thought we had it figured out. Well it lets Madisyn do most of her school but when I get on it the computer just stops working for me. Right now I am on my friend Will's laptop and if he blinks I am stealing it. I can't seem to figure out if buying a laptop is a necessity or not. I want to write to make money but without a working computer it kind of feels impossible. I can type faster then I write and my thoughts flow fast so typing helps me keep up with myself. I found a company here that refurbishes old laptops and sells to low income people for $200. I am also going to a Dave Ramsey course who is telling me that I have to pay off everything before I make decisions like that but it's like a catch 22. Frustrating.
I know alot of my frustration stems from being stuck in this rut and having trouble finding my way out. The cancer, the overwhelming money problems, the swelling in my arms for which I am back in physical therapy for, the pain and aggravation from that and the oddly placed tumors that are a neverending reminder that yep, I have cancer, the stress of being a single mom to an 11 year old daughter, the wondering if, am I, Shannon, actually someone somebody could fall in love with, the awareness that I actually am happy being single and the knowledge that I may not live long enough to experience real love, the wondering what am I going to feed my child tonight, I know I can go without but I know she expects meals, the stress of a car that refuses to stay working no matter how much it gets worked on, the knowledge that I may never see California, or France, or Italy, or Australia, or Canada, or New York, or the Grand Canyon, or ever have a real vacation again. I wonder why, of all people, can get cancer over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, also get lymphodema in both arms, not one but both. Always wondering about my epilepsy, heart failure, cancer and everything else I am fighting. I have gotten so sick at times that the only reason I think I am alive is because during times of fighting the urge to go unconscious I pray harder then ever and God sees me through. I've felt myself knock on deaths windows more then once and I am still alive. Once I start feeling better I get randomnly sick again, even now while off of the hard chemo. For two weeks, maybe more, my sense of time is warped, I went from sickness to sickness. Everyday was new problems. The past couple of days have been better but I still constantly have to pray to make sure God hears my prayers. I wonder if I will ever make my mark on this life. Will I ever be proud of myself? Will others ever be proud of me?
The slap in the face was at my last oncologist appointment where fear of a blood clot or more cancer in my swelling right side of my neck and face I had to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech after asking about me then proceeded to tell me to get a life and start living it. Go to LSU games, get out and have fun. I told him it wasn't in my budget and he still wouldn't give up. I finally agreed that I would try. Problem is I can't figure out where to start. Thanks ultrasound tech, now you have me worried about my lack of life. Word to the wise, don't tell six year cancer patients to get a life. Everyday I fight for my life and aim to get my life back but hurdles are constantly thrown and half the time the hurdles make me fall. Just help me get back up, and anyone you know in rough times. Just give us your hand and help us through our labryinths because no way we can make it ourselves. Half the time we don't know where we are going without the labryiths, so lead the way.
Thanks for listening to yet another rant.
Shannon
Don't ask me why I thought that or where it came from. I know my story has started and every day it continues on, but watching that preview I felt anger. Anger towards cancer, anger towards life, anger towards circumstance, anger towards anything and everything. Fact is I haven't dated, like really dated, since I left my husband in 2006. Everyone likes to remind me that I have had alot going on since then but then I see all these dramatic films about cancer patients and they all meet these amazing partners that they share their life with until the end. I sat there staring at the screen, crying. Crying not about the preview but about my own life. If I didn't have company I would have ran straight to my room, thrown my head in my pillow and cried. Half of me wanted to do that the other half wanted to run outside and live. Granted it was 10:30 on a Sunday night and there probably wasn't much going on. For the past six years I have watched as other peoples' lives continue forward while my life has come full circle since the year 2001. In 2001 I lived in these same apartments that I now live in again. At that point I was a single mom with no thoughts of dating but at the same point wishing I could meet someone. I was broke but making enough money to pay the bills and feed us. Since the year 2005 I have pretty much just gone from living in one place to living in another. I am stuck in a rut and I need to break out.
I decided to start writing books. Well, I have started a few but didn't want to go any further because I wanted a computer to do it on so I won't have to end up typing anyways. Unfortunately I just don't have good luck with things like electronics. We finally got the computer my friend Leigh Anne had given us (one she was getting rid of) to start working and I thought we had it figured out. Well it lets Madisyn do most of her school but when I get on it the computer just stops working for me. Right now I am on my friend Will's laptop and if he blinks I am stealing it. I can't seem to figure out if buying a laptop is a necessity or not. I want to write to make money but without a working computer it kind of feels impossible. I can type faster then I write and my thoughts flow fast so typing helps me keep up with myself. I found a company here that refurbishes old laptops and sells to low income people for $200. I am also going to a Dave Ramsey course who is telling me that I have to pay off everything before I make decisions like that but it's like a catch 22. Frustrating.
I know alot of my frustration stems from being stuck in this rut and having trouble finding my way out. The cancer, the overwhelming money problems, the swelling in my arms for which I am back in physical therapy for, the pain and aggravation from that and the oddly placed tumors that are a neverending reminder that yep, I have cancer, the stress of being a single mom to an 11 year old daughter, the wondering if, am I, Shannon, actually someone somebody could fall in love with, the awareness that I actually am happy being single and the knowledge that I may not live long enough to experience real love, the wondering what am I going to feed my child tonight, I know I can go without but I know she expects meals, the stress of a car that refuses to stay working no matter how much it gets worked on, the knowledge that I may never see California, or France, or Italy, or Australia, or Canada, or New York, or the Grand Canyon, or ever have a real vacation again. I wonder why, of all people, can get cancer over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, also get lymphodema in both arms, not one but both. Always wondering about my epilepsy, heart failure, cancer and everything else I am fighting. I have gotten so sick at times that the only reason I think I am alive is because during times of fighting the urge to go unconscious I pray harder then ever and God sees me through. I've felt myself knock on deaths windows more then once and I am still alive. Once I start feeling better I get randomnly sick again, even now while off of the hard chemo. For two weeks, maybe more, my sense of time is warped, I went from sickness to sickness. Everyday was new problems. The past couple of days have been better but I still constantly have to pray to make sure God hears my prayers. I wonder if I will ever make my mark on this life. Will I ever be proud of myself? Will others ever be proud of me?
The slap in the face was at my last oncologist appointment where fear of a blood clot or more cancer in my swelling right side of my neck and face I had to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech after asking about me then proceeded to tell me to get a life and start living it. Go to LSU games, get out and have fun. I told him it wasn't in my budget and he still wouldn't give up. I finally agreed that I would try. Problem is I can't figure out where to start. Thanks ultrasound tech, now you have me worried about my lack of life. Word to the wise, don't tell six year cancer patients to get a life. Everyday I fight for my life and aim to get my life back but hurdles are constantly thrown and half the time the hurdles make me fall. Just help me get back up, and anyone you know in rough times. Just give us your hand and help us through our labryinths because no way we can make it ourselves. Half the time we don't know where we are going without the labryiths, so lead the way.
Thanks for listening to yet another rant.
Shannon
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