Monday, December 15, 2014

i have cancer for christs sake

Hey, so if you are on my facebook you know what this blog is going to be about.  Well most of it anyway.  I never even know what I'm going to write until it's written.  But today is different.  I've been needing to write this all day and I'm finally sitting down and doing it.


I had a follow up appointment with my heart doctor today.  If you keep up with me you probably already know that some medicine I was on gave me heart failure.  Again.  This is the third time I've been in heart failure.  Each time what's been great, is that I take meds and my heart gets  better.  I visit my heart doctor regularly and he makes sure it stays better.  

I had a pretty bad spill in July.  My heart failure went down to the furthest it's ever been, but oddly enough it went right back to normal within a day or two.  Then within another day or two it went right back down.  Talk about a roller coaster ride.  Since then I have been taking my heart medication, increasing it when we decide to increase, etc.  

This time I went to my doctor for my standard check up.  Did the echocardiogram, saw the doctor, etc.  But this time the news was different.  My heart ejection fraction rate hasn't increased.  The ejection fraction rate (I included a link for those who may be new to that terminology) normally is 55-70 but even when I was at 45 we weren't too worried.  It has remained steady at 30 though.  Meaning it's not getting any better with the meds.  

For a little background for those who aren't familiar with my ride, the heart failure has caused my heart to be enlarged.  This has caused a whole series of events that none are good.  Because of the enlargement it can't pump like it's supposed to so the fluid in my lungs isn't getting pumped out like it's supposed to.  The hope was the medicine would increase the efr but it hasn't.

Which brings me to this part of the story.  Let me start of with I have been an emotional mess lately.  My doctor saunters into the room mid speak about my efr sounding like nothing is wrong.  Then he starts talking about pacemakers, defibrillators and so suddenly I'm like wait what?  Me and my emotional self sits and nods and listens.  He said since I wasn't progressing, implanting a defibrillator would be a form of a life saving device in case my heart does start deteriorating more.  To be honest, it was like they told me I had cancer again, only worse.  I didn't cry when I was told I had cancer.  I got mad.  But there I sat at the cardiologist office boo-hooing.

I can't explain why it affected me the way it did but, well, it did.  I think I had hoped I would be all good and we would carry on as usual.  I think my mind set was at, if I have a pacemaker then I'm really sick (Wtf? I mean I have cancer for Christ's sake).  My brain works in mysterious ways.  But my doctor went on to tell me if I didn't want to have it done we would roll with that as well.  It's my decision in the end.  Then of course, it is still up to the electrophysiologist who will look me over and let me know if it's physically possible for me to undergo, a minor surgery, but still a surgery.  The electrophysiologist has the final say on if I can have the defibrillator. Doesn't seem like it's a tough surgery at all and I have a good surgery history so unless oxygen is the problem I don't see why he or she would say no.

I'm feeling better then I was earlier. It was an emotionally jarring day. It's just something new, unexpected, unwanted, and overall it's been a frustrating year.  One of the toughest yet.  But hey I make ten years in 2015.  So if you are free December 27th and want to come celebrate that fact with me, message me on facebook, twitter, text, call, vox, bbm, whichever your pleasure. My family is throwing a party (was supposed to be a surprise, we aren't any good at those).  Hope to hear from you!

Sunday, December 14, 2014

i. am. not. married.

Hi! Well today was a good day.  For the most part.  It started off with a slight mental breakdown this morning that originated just because my parents were thirty minutes late picking me up from church.  It was embarrassing but it happened.  I want to thank my friend Chad for being there and knowing how to react in a situation where a girl just starts crying for no reason.  Sure they were late but that hardly warranted a mental break.  My oxygen went into the 80's and my pulse to 180.  Yep mental break.

So that was how it started.  Actually it started beautifully.  I went to church service and the reason I say beautifully is because it was absolutely beautiful. Some singing of a Christmas Carol and they did so well, it was so awesome.  And Pastor Mike had a great message today and it was just great all around.  Until I tried to leave lol.  God mental breaks suck.

It actually started last night when I reacted unusually insanely to something that wasn't that bad.  I mean, to me it was.  It felt like people were going over my head because I don't know what I'm doing or something.  I had made plans for Madisyn to be picked up by a friend to go to the Jones Creek Parade and she was going to hang out with them until I got there after church.  Plans made.  The end.  I am not married.  There is no one who can go over my head and change things...or is there.  My ex husband was watching our nieces for the night and he would have them today for the parade so he planned to bring them to the parade.  It gave them something to do, gave me time to see them, etc.  He runs into my friend at a party and completely changes the plans.  He is going to pick up Madisyn now and bring her to the parade.  I had already made the plans, had my own reasons for her to go with them.  She needs to spend time with people besides us.  She hides in her own shell and she needs to learn to be around other people.  So no one asks me what I think.  I am not married.  Let me say that again.  I am not married.  I am a single mother.  My ex is her dad but not legally and has no right to go above my head and change plans.  Like I said, I overreacted but I'm feeling better and I want control in my life.  I'm sick of people assuming I'm unable to make plans and decisions of my own regarding my daughter and going over my head and changing things.  No one has that power.  No one.  When I am sick and in the hospital or sick and unable to think or move, sure go over my head, sure realize that I'm making no sense and make executive decisions but don't while I am perfectly fine.  There is a line there.  Don't cross it.  I only blame my ex.  Not my friend. Just the way it goes.  She didn't know any better.  He should by now.

Now that my evilness is out let me tell you about my appointment with my lung doctor this week.  Nothing new in the "what's that all in my lung" department.  Still probably fluid related to my enlarged heart and the blood clot.  Normally your heart will work to get that blood clot taken care of and fluid out of your lungs but when your heart is in failure and enlarged it doesn't really work very well.  It's working, just not very well.  I did, however, find out that the thought is I will be on oxygen for most of my foreseeable life.  Fun times I tell ya.  Fun times.  Anyone want to go hiking?  It really pisses me off to think that in the years before this all I did was work work work.  I never went and did out doors stuff, sports, fun, any of that.  I worked and worked and worked.  And now it doesn't seem that I will be able to do that stuff.  Who knows maybe I will.  You never know.  Doctors don't know everything even though I feel I have the best lung doctor around.  GO HEAD DR. G!

I'm really excited because now I have an oxygen conserver.  Instead of a tank lasting four hours it can now last 19.  I went to a concert once and had to lug two tanks around because we weren't sure if I would run out or not.  No more of that!  I could drive to houston and back and back to Houston again with one tank.  Talk about awesome.

Besides my mental break, mood swings, and high anxiety, I feel like I have been doing well lol.  Doesn't sound that way does it.  Maybe I need to increase some meds.  Anyway at the times when I'm not being all around crazy I feel as though I'm doing good.  A lot better health wise anyway.  I was able to hang at the parade for a couple hours today and was fine!  It was nice to get out the house.

I've been busy so I haven't been doing too much reading.  I'm still reading The Golden Lily but today I read a short story, well it's a book but a small book.  It was called Prisoners at the Kitchen Table by Barbara Holland.  It's a childs book.  It was on our bookshelf and I hadn't read it, one of Madisyn's books, and I had a little time to spare so I picked it up.  What an emotionally jarring book!  The author wrote the book as a gift for her sons.  The book is awesome.  It could easily had been longer and made for teens but the way it was written was probably for elementary school.  The book is about these two classmates who are kidnapped.  It's told from the view of the little boy.  It shows his style of thinking, about how his views of adults and how he wants to be good and not upset the adults even after he's been kidnapped.  It was emotional for me at the end, but just so you know, no one dies.  It's more of a sweet emotion.  If you have a few minutes one day, read it, it's worth your time.

We discovered a new Christmas movie we like.  It's called Snow with Tom Cavanough and Ashley Williams.  We fell in love with it.  It's a one of our new movie's for Christmas.

Hope your Christmas holiday is rocking!


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

so wud hada happened was

I'll start with this...I feel crappy.  Went all day talking about how good I felt today and how this week I've felt better then I have had in a long time, and well tonight I feel crappy. I'm hurting in more places then I even knew I had.  I had a little virus this past weekend, but still with that I have felt better lately.  Whatever the virus was both Madisyn and I got it.  My stomach hurts (could be that fabulous cake from the Survive Dat meeting today), I'm achy, cranky, and can't get comfortable.  I'm nauseous and it's no fun.  It's frustrating.  And not having spell corrector on here is gritting my nerves even more.  Come on Blogger!  Get with the picture!

On another note, tonight I was telling someone about how I live in a straightaway tunnel in which I feel like I don't want anyone to ask me about cancer and when asked they why it got me to thinking.  Why?  All I could think was that I was just sick of it.  Sick of my cancer, your cancer, everyone's cancer.  Cancer here, cancer there, cancer everywhere.  Why in the world do we not know what causes this yet?  Why don't we know how to cure it yet?  And me, I'm a positive mark in the world of cancer.  I'm still here, on treatment, but here and alive.  Me still having cancer and living shouldn't be good enough.  We should nip this thing in the bud.  We need to say F-this!  This is bull-!  Cure this **** and get it over with already.  Stop making new people have to here the words "you have cancer".  Stop letting there be new people to meet who have cancer.  Just stop it all!  It's not fair and this shouldn't be anyone's life.  That being said, I'm glad it's mine and not yours.  That's the one of the only things that make it worth it.  Knowing that you don't have to go through it.  But if you do, know I'm here.  I hate when I have to go through things alone, and if you do too, call me...or email...or text...or skype...or vox me...or bbm me...and whatever other app you want to talk to me on, I'll download.  As long as there is no cure there will be more of you in my court, and I'm sorry.  I hope it's not you.

And on a third note, I read my nonfiction book!  It was called If I am Missing or Dead by Janine Latus.  Let me start by saying, I really have wanted to read this book for a long time.  I didn't read anything on it, just knew it was a story about a girl whose sister left a note pretty much telling the cops who her murderer would probably be.  She said in the letter that she couldn't imagine them every needing this letter but she was writing it just in case.  

Poor girl.  She felt this way, was in some way scared for her life and never felt she had strength to leave.  She lived in fear and one day her worst fear came true.  This happens so much every day to people all around us.  It is appalling.  How come we have to live like this?  How come life can be so cruel.  At least I'm just fighting a war within my body and I don't have to face someone everyday who scares me to death.  I can't imagine what was going through her head to where she didn't feel like she could go to her mother or father or either of her two brothers or either of her two sisters.  If you feel this way get out!  There are programs for help for people in this situation and if you need to find one, ask me, I can help.  The thing was they don't even know if he beat her.  The letter only states that he borrowed thousand and thousands of dollars from her.  She was newly out of debt, had her own place, met him on the Internet and he came and never left.  They found her body wrapped in carpet in a newly formed construction site.  That wasn't what I wanted to say about the book though.

The book aggravated the crap out of me.  The part I just explained was the last chapter and a sentence from the end of another.  The whole rest of the book is about the author and her life growing up, being on her own, her failed relationships, her experiences in motherhood, marriage, and her successful writing endeavor.  The sister who was murdered was many years younger and so you didn't really hear much about her.  While her sister was growing up, this girl, Janine was busy in life.  I wanted more about her sister.  From the title it seems like it may be about her sister more.  I kept reading waiting to read more about her sister and was kind of disappointed.  When she did throw in something about her sister it was about how big her sister was, the fact that all she did was watch tv and movies, eat chocolate and popcorn, and did not work out non stop like her.  It almost felt like she was trashing on her sister.  That she couldn't just love her, every inch of her.  Janine tells us she spoke at her sister, Amy's funeral.  In the speech she talks of how Amy was happy to lose weight.  In my mind I don't feel like that is talking about who Amy was or remembering her.  I felt like it was her sister still judging her for being overweight.  But hey, this was only my opinion, you will have your own.  Coming from someone who has been both a gym rat and over weight I've learned that being overweight isn't the end of the world.  Life goes on and you can still look good no matter what your weight.  I think I was more self conscious the skinnier I've been, except on my bad days when suddenly I feel like I need a man and will never find one because I'm overweight.  On normal days I know that's sh**.  I also know that it would be hard for a guy to find his way into my life, my set ways, my time.  He would have to bang my door down pretty much.

So that's my nonfiction book.  I started reading book three in the Bloodlines series by Richelle Mead but then realized it's been so long since I read book 2 that I had no idea what hada happened in book 2 and in turn had no idea what she was talking about in book 3.  So today I restarted book 2.  So I'm on page 3 of The Golden Lily by Richelle Mead.  I know I loved the book, one because if I didn't I wouldn't have bought book 3 plus Richelle Mead is one of my favorites and I've loved everything else I have come across so going by that logic I know I will love book 3 too.

Madisyn and I have been binge watching Agents of Shield  on ABC/Netflix since Thanksgiving.  If you don't know, Shield runs along with The Avengers, Ironman, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, I'm sure I'm forgetting something.  It's only in its second season so the only movies the tv show has actually gone along with is Thor 2 and Captain America 2.  But seriously, it's so cool.  It reminds me of how The Arrow and The Flash  have teamed up together, or how The Vampire Diaries and The Originals have teamed up.  Shield first shows themselves in Ironman, I think, and Samuel L. Jackson plays the director in all of the movies so far.  Shield, the tv show, focuses around this character out of The Avengers, who in the movie dies, but is brought back to life by Director Fury and a science project, for the sake of not spoiling it for anyone.  The greatest part (okay, maybe not the greatest part) is Samuel L. Jackson showing up in the tv show reprising his role as Director Nick Fury more then once.  Not only that but so does Cobie Smulders who reprises her role as Agent Maria Hill from the movie The Avengers.  She appears in only two episodes so far (boo).  With all that being said it's no surprise that I absolutely love this show.  The second season has been thrown into a special branch of tv, they changed a few things I kind of wish they hadn't.  But I'm willing to go with it as long as they don't veer too far off the edge.  I'd like to see where they are taking us.

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving holiday was amazing and am hoping you all are getting your Christmas shopping without going to crazy.  Just remember it's a season of beauty, peace, togetherness, and love so remember that when you are fighting crowds at the mall and even while surfing amazon or whatever website you treasure (mine being amazon).

I want to give a shout out to The Life of a Single Mom Ministry.  Jennifer Maggio and her crew really outdo themselves always.  This year, no different.  I can't even explain the amazingness they have brought me this holiday season alone.  For Thanksgiving a family contacted her about wanting to bless a family with a Thanksgiving meal.  They referred her to me.  We just finished eating the food we didn't freeze.  I just defrosted some soup I made from the leftover turkey yesterday.  This has kept us fed since Thanksgiving.  They want to bless us for the holidays too.  Jennifer brought over a beautiful plant for Thanksgiving, something that was so little that meant so much.  They then referred someone who called the ministry about wanting to bless a mom with a decorated tree for the holidays to me.  They set me up with a comped meal at Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro, we could order whatever we liked, and we did that while a friend of hers and her decorated a tree she supplied.  The tree is so beautiful.  More then I could dream of.  I'm not even getting out any of my other decorations, well maybe a couple.  But it's gorgeous.  .  The girl, Meghan, referred me to a family that wants to bless us for the holidays.  It's like this really fantastic game of domino's.  Then just as we finished up food from Thanksgiving I went to The Life of a Single Mom's Ministry's annual Christmas party and they handed out free hams, which I made tonight.  Not only that but I was able to shop for two of my nephews while at the Christmas party and found something for my daughter.  It was an amazing experience.  I know they don't do anything for glory which makes them even more amazing.  They do it to bless these mothers that we know work hard for their families every day of the year.  Just because.  If that's not God I don't know what is.

I've got to tell you guys that after awhile of being out of church while I figured out how to live life without being able to drive I am happy to be back.  I love Pastor Mike and the whole crew at HPC and am not sure how I made it this long with my Sundays being bleak and boring.  It gives me something to do, a sense of community, and somewhere to be with others who feel the same way I do.  I finally got my mother to give me rides to church on Sunday's.  Somehow she is okay with that, but I may even have that taken care of now.  I can give my mom her Sunday's back probably.  She wakes up, goes to 8:00 mass at her church, would go home, do a thing or two, and come pick me up for 11:15 service at my church, find something to do for an hour and a half, and pick me up, bring me to the store for what I need for dinner, and finally she would get home around 2 or so.  I know she doesn't mind but sometimes I do.  I just don't like her having to plan her day around me.  She already does it so much.  But that's what moms are for I guess.  I would do anything for Madisyn in a heartbeat.  So I guess I know how it is when it's your kid.

So after writing nonstop for an hour, that my dears is all for tonight

Monday, November 24, 2014

how do i say thanks?

Today was a good day.  Well a decent one anyway.  Physically I was okay.  Just some pain in my chest that I can handle.  I woke up nauseous and dry heaving but the rest of the day was okay.  I had stomach pains mid day that kept me in bed for a little while but all in all I can say it ended well.  It doesn't sound like a good day does it?  Maybe it wasn't the best.  It kept me from getting much accomplished but I did check a few things off my list.  Well not a lot but some.  Man my days are confusing to write about.  I'm confusing myself.  Pretty much, right now I feel okay and I got a little bit done today.  Anyway...

Thanksgiving coming up and I want to tell all of you how thankful I am to have you in my life.  Whether through facebook, twitter, tumblr, caringbridge, or carepages, however you made it to my blog, thanks for showing up and showing your support.  It helps me more then you know.  To think that people care to hear what I have to say is humbling to say the least.  I don't know how we know each other, but thanks for being in my life. 

This past year, well six months has taught me a lot about being thankful.  I've come a long way since August and I owe it all to all of you who have stood by my side.  Whether you show your support through prayers, meals, helping out around the house, or just by loving me, I appreciate it.  I don't get to always thank everyone all the time.  Sometimes a simple thank you doesn't feel like enough.  In fact a lot of times a simple thank you doesn't feel like enough.  It feels like something so small when the thanks feels so big.  Like, say you took time to make a whole pot of gumbo, salt free, so you know you aren't eating it, just so you could bring some to me.  How do I say thanks for that?  Or say, on the way you stop and pick me up a mini fridge and comfy blanket, how do I say thanks.  Or you spent time pouring over craigslist just so you could maybe find a mini fridge just to bring to me.  Many things are just hard to give all the thanks I want or feel it needs.  So take this as a super thanks!
I love you!

Well, I got further into the third book of Hereafter: Elegy and so far I still like it!  Maybe I was just not feeling well when I put the second book down.  Maybe I was having headaches and just got frustrated and aggravated and put the book down and thought I didn't like it.  Whatever it was, I'm glad I came back.  The third book has the demons coming back for her and threatening to kill anyone she cares about, again.  Well I guess that's always the case.  It normally is the same story over and over, just different in a way.  And so far it's really cool.  I have a favorite part of the book already and I'm not even halfway through.  So if you like supernatural, read away.

I'm hoping to go non fiction for my next book or maybe just not supernatural but I always kind of just make split decisions when I pick up a book.  Well I kind of already started another book.  One of my favorite series, Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead finished and then she wrote a series that took a couple characters and put them in a situation to where they are working together.  It's a series as good as the first and at some point I got caught up, had to wait for the next book to come out, and by the time I got it I had started on other series and am finally at a point where I feel I could start this series again.  I have a few books to catch up on but I have time.  The off series is called Bloodlines and I am on Bloodlines: The Indigo Spell.  So far I really like it.  I made the decision to not go back and reread the last book so it's a little confusing at times and instead of knowing I just have to go with it.  It's worked so far.

Tomorrow Madisyn gets to go see The Mockingjay, the third Hunger Games movie.  I'm really jealous so if anyone wants to go to the movies and is offering to drive I'm all in!

Well good night for now.  And sleep well.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

hello bad eating decisions

So, I'm feeling better then yesterday.  Just wanted to start off with that since I think I went on a "woest me" rant in the blog before this one.  Today I did not pop one nausea pill, praise Jesus.  


So excited to finally say I finished the book series I was reading, The Forest of Hands and Teeth Trilogy. It. was. fantastic.  I was scared it was going to end too soon.  I was scared I was going to feel empty without it in my life lol.  I'm completely satisfied.   

I'm back to reading the series I was reading before that which was the Hereafter Trilogy.  It's about a girl who is a ghost but becomes visible to one guy.  I just finished the second book today, in which she becomes visible, to well, everyone.  Sorry, I don't think that's much of a give away thing because, well, I just don't.  Sorry if I spoiled anything.  The series is about her, her boyfriend, his family, demons, seers, witches, etc.  No zombies or vampires anywhere.  Still good though.  I started getting bored so I switched series' to The Forest and went back to Hereafter today and ended up really liking it and deciding I would finish the series, after having decided prior to this that I wouldn't finish it.  Hopefully I don't kick myself after I read it and wonder why I wasted my time.  It's hard to get past the fact that mid book I just got bored.  It had plenty of action, I just wasn't into it.  I'm talking only of the second book.  I really enjoyed the first one and was stoked to see it was a trilogy.  Yep that was the word stoked.  It was the second book that almost made me stop reading it.  Glad I gave it a second try though, I liked the way it ended and so far, I like the way the third one has begun.

I was checking out the Carrie Ryan website when I put the link to it above and guess what I found out!  There are short stories about the trilogy everywhere!  I have to read all of them! Screw the "I'm completely satisfied" comment lol.  I'm so excited!  New project: find every book ever written with a short story by Carrie Ryan in it.  And go!  

I made the huge mistake of going to a Thanksgiving potluck tonight.  Hello bad eating decisions.  I have to say though, I didn't really eat any dessert, or most of my plate.  The turkey itself was probably enough sodium to kill me. So pray for me guys.  

Super aggravated about this blog though.  I've contacted google twice about it.  No answer.  The problem being, they have taken away my ability to edit my blog.  So I can't add anything to it except posts.  Can't take anything away either.  Except posts.  So pretty much all I can do is make new posts or delete old posts.  I can't make it pretty for you guys or add any pictures on my picture page.  It's probably because I left it dormant for so long.  But seriously, that's stupid.  S.T.U.P.I.D.

My hair is really great today, to bad you can't see it. lol.  

Anyway.....

Good Night!!




Saturday, November 22, 2014

my head hurts so i'm not making sense

My bad guys.  I haven't been feeling 100% the past couple days.  I had my shot the other day and it knocks me down.  I did manage to squeeze in a concert before it all hit though!  The night I got my shot my friend, Julie, took me to a Casting Crowns concert.  For those who just read that and said what the hells a casting crown lol, they are a Christian band that sings some great songs.  A whole bunch of great songs.  They keep shoveling them out too.  It really was a great experience.  Thanks Julie!

Super glad I had a good Thursday night because I was passed out by six on Wednesday, after my shot, and nauseous and with a headache full of pain everywhere Friday, and passed out by sevenish.  Woke up this morning, still nauseous, my skin hurting anyitme anything even just brushed it.  Still with this monster headache.  I haven't been controlling the pain very well.  It's a "learn as you go" type thing.  I'm not learning very well.  I've had three shots since I've been out the hospital (before the hospital I was getting my shots on the same day as herceptin so it was hard to pinpoint what side effects were from the shots) and I'm still trying to register what I need and don't need.  My head hurts so I don't think I'm making sense right now.  If I'm not, I'm sorry.  My mom tells me everytime that it's always as bad as it feels, so I guess I need to remember that so I'm not shocked every time.  

What did make me forget about how bad I feel was my friend, Kristin.  She came by with some low salt gumbo for us!  Can't tell you how perfect the timing was either.  She's been wanting to bring food by since I got out the hospital, and it's super awesome she brought it just now.  I don't have to think about food, for about a month lol.  When she brings food, she brings food.  It was so great to have her come and visit, I haven't laughed so much in a long time.  Love you Kristin!

I felt so bad this morning.  I was kind of confused.  Completely forgot about my whole morning routine (taking vitals, giving myself a shot, taking medicine, etc).  Absolutely ridiculous!  It's not like I haven't missed the routine some mornings, it's just normally if I skip it, it's a conscious decision and I take my morning meds and give myself a shot,and weigh myself (my weight determines the amount of potassium and furosemide-my fluid pill-e I take daily.  I have to maintain the fluid, if I retain fluid it shows on the scale.  Sometimes I have gained as much as five pounds in one night from the day before)  the necessities.  Today I did weigh myself, but then my mind completely shut down.  I'm still shocked at myself.  

I have almost finished my book though!  I would have finished it by now but sleeping kind of took over my life for a couple days.  Then last night I woke up about 1:30 and couldn't get back to sleep.  I read some, tried to sleep some, but I still felt awful and all I wanted to do was sleep but my brain wouldn't shut down with me.  I couldn't even force myself to play on my phone or computer.  It would have taken to much effort.  Pathetic I know.  But I'm so close to the end it's frustrating.  So much action and it's like how is this book going to end?!  That's not enough pages to cover what I want to know. Can't wait to finish.  It's staring me in the face right now.
 
Until next time...
Good night.  Sleep well.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

totally fun filled

Today was a fun filled day.  We had a doctors appointment for Madisyn this morning.  Then after that another one for me, and my appointment is a three in one appointment.  For labs to be done, then to see the oncologist, then for my monthly shot and a port flush.  Like I said, fun filled.  I have stuck with a needle six times today.  Totally fun filled.  I came home and passed out.  Woke up from about five to seven and am just waking up now, around eleven p.m.  I'm pretty sure I will be able to sleep after this too.  I have a fun filled day of appointments tomorrow.  This time all for me.  Yay (sarcasm intended)!  


I finished reading The Dead-Tossed Waves by Carrie Ryan today.  I'm on to The Dark and Hollow Places, the third and final book in this series.  The one I finished today kind of ended on an okay note.  I was literally kind of like, "okayyyy".  But she had to end it somehow right?  The third one seems not to jump fifteen or twenty years into the future, like the last one did.  It looks to be of the same timeline as the second one, but I haven't started reading it yet, that's a guesstimation from reading the back and side covers.  The writer sure knows how to keep you wanting to come back for more and is the one series; lately, that I have found myself thinking about the characters all the time.  If I'm not reading it, all I want is to be reading it again.  

I mentioned it to one of the girls in the lab today.  Her and I are always, always, switching book tips.  I told her about it and she says her daughter is reading it in school and is the required reading in school.  Shocked me!  We never were made to read books about zombies in school.  I don't remember it anyway, then again, I really don't remember reading anything for school, though I know I must have.  I am so jealous of the kids these days. Zombies.  In school.  God bless them. Years ago, Madisyn was required to read Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief.  I read it with her, and so began our life in novels.  We share books, tell each other about them, sometimes listen to each other about reading them, sometimes not.  We finished that series and she went and read the other two series that were born off of that series by Rick Riordan, while I stopped and went on to other books.  No reason really, I have intentions to go back and read the other books, I guess I got to the point where I needed a break from reading them.  I don't know.  

We went to a signing in Metarie a couple years ago and were able to meet the author, which I am thankful to have the memory of.  It helps me on days when I feel like I suck as a mom because I can't do stuff with my kid and make memories of our own, I  think to that memory and others and realize I am a good mother, it's just where we are right now.  We may be in this limbo place forever but hopefully not.  

Another memory I hold on to is, one day she had an audition in New Orleans and heard about auditions for the Disney going on the following day in Austin, Texas.  So, being the awesome mother I am, I brought it up and said "ROAD TRIP!"  So for the next eleven hours we drove to Austin.  We made it in time to audition and we jumped back in the car and went home.  If I was really as cool as I claim, I would have called my cousin, or my best friends brother, who both live there, and go pass out on the couch for a little bit.  Then wake up and do some Austin touring.  But I wanted us to get back, for whatever reason.  There was a birthday party for one of my best friends that night maybe that why.  I just remember we didn't stay and we drove back.  The road trip was the best part.  

I used to feel the need to make memories like that.  Maybe I had foreseen stuff like me being unable to drive.  I don't know, but I'm glad I never listen when someone tells me I can't do something.  Now if someone tells me I can't do something, half the time I have to listen because; well, if they won't bring me then we can't go.  Plus I can't offer to pay their way so sometimes I feel like I can't ask.  So we end up in our little cocoon at home.  Oh it's frustrating, to go from free spirit to caged animal.  I realize I really am not a caged animal, I mean I would be fed three meals a day, plus some snacks by some random worker lol.  But you get the analogy right?

Well that's about it for tonight.  Except I meant to tell you about how I tried double socking.  It worked!  Warm and toasty toes for me from now on!  Now I know, and for days double socking does not work, I will try triple socking it.  Now that's really it.  Good night and sleep well!


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

we live in freaking louisiana

Okay, so today is one of those days when I try to think of every excuse in the book to do absolutely nothing.  I've been talking myself out of starting on this for probably three hours. now.  In reality I had to do my night stuff so that took, what seemed like no time at all.  Some days it feels like it takes so long to do.  I talked myself out of doing the last couple dishes, and talked myself out of doing a few other things as well.  The crazy part is that now, I have a migraine and am telling myself I promised myself  I would write and that I know if I stop I won't start back up again.  Kind of like going to the gym, right?


I'm still reading The Dead-Tossed Waves by Carrie Ryan.  That's what has torn me away from everything and caused me to be half-ass all day.  May as well finish those last two dishes right?  This book is so good though.  It's about this girl, the daughter of the girl in the first one, and she kind of ends up following in the footsteps of her mother.  Quite literally in fact.  The basis, again for those who maybe didn't read a couple blogs ago, is the zombie Apocalypse where they are called anything but zombie's.  There are towns that live within the confines of fences, or like this one, has the ocean as a border, to keep the zombie's out.  That's about all I feel I can get into without giving away plotlines.  The writer tells the story so well that it's all I can think about when I'm not sitting down with it in my hands.  I now wonder how I will live life when I'm finished with this series.  It's a three book series, so I'm halfway there.

Guess who is getting out the house to go have fun...this girl!  Thursday night, Casting Crowns.  Can't wait, Julie!

I hope the oxygen tanks don't mess us up too bad.

Have I ever told you how much I love my kid?  Well I do, a lot.  She's a young lady now, not a kid, I must remember.  So hard to, right?

Oh my gosh.  So we have this problem in our apartment.  The downstairs is freezing, and upstairs is so hot with the heater on.  But if I put it one degree lower it gets freezing and I seriously have a toe problem.  I already have numb toes, or parts of toes, but sometimes they become numb from just being in here and I will have on fuzzy socks.  I guess I need to double up.  Once I had these socks that I got from Mary Bird, a volunteer had made them, and still, to this day, they are the warmest sock I have ever had.  I lost one a couple years ago.  I think they are both gone now.  Frustration!  I need good socks if I plan to keep my toes this winter.  We freaking live in Louisiana, you don't anticipate this stuff until it happens.  Though, it now happens every year.  I remember, as a kid, wearing short sleeves all winter.  Except those two times it snowed when we were kids.  It's snowed more now but then it was all we got for years.  I keep expecting warm winters lol.

This will be it for the night.  Madisyn has an early doctors appointment, routine medicine check, early in the morning, and I have one after that.  My mom gets to bring her to school while I go hang out at the doctors office.  Fun times for all of us tomorrow!

Good night, sleep well.

Monday, November 17, 2014

blame it on sickness

I think I figured out the reason why I stopped singing.  I think it has something to do with my lung problems and not having enough air to sing.  I tried singing a few times today and it's as if I literally cannot sing.  Not that I can't open my mouth and let words come out but they come out raspy and breathy.  And it seems to take a whole lot of effort too.  So, I think one day it became to hard and I just stopped unconsciously.  So, mystery solved.  Blame it on sickness, that always works.  :-)

I had one of those days where you drop everything, spill everything, trip over everything, etc.  I kind of have it on a daily basis but today it was something I can't put into words.  I fixed myself a drink.  Took one sip, knocked it over but caught it before everything spilled.  Then after I finished cleaning that up and was completely on another task my oxygen line knocks over the glass again.  I had even moved it to a different table thinking it would be safer there.  Not from ADHD Shannon.  Nothing is safe.  I spent my day picking up things, rewashing things I already washed because I dropped it, and starving myself of liquid in fear that I would throw down with that glass.  By 6:30 I was a wreck.  I gotta say though, you guys liking and commenting on my Facebook picture today actually made me feel a lot better.  So thanks to everyone who helped with that (by liking or commenting) because it made my day.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to get another dog.  All this sign language Cassie does makes me a little spoiled.  She doesn't bark, unless you ignore her.  She does this thing when she needs to go outside where she comes and lightly walks next to me enough to where some part of her touches me.  It's easy to ignore because you think she did it on accident, but there is always something she is trying to convey.  Except right now.  I just took her outside, made sure she had food, and gave her a treat.  Check, check, check.  There is no number four yet she's doing her sign language.  I always feel guilty when I can't figure out what she's saying because she's really insistent, it makes me feel bad.  She's got the funniest incessant stare that says, the equivalent to, "Can you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth!"  Who remembers that?  So funny.  Or maybe, "are you listening to me at all?!"  Anyway it cracks me up everytime.

That's about all for today, except, wasn't it friggin cold today!

Sunday, November 16, 2014

i stopped singing

This blog may actually get posted before tomorrow...yay!


I was excited to have some responses to my last blog about themed blogging.  Some said that they enjoy just reading about what I have to say and that they know it's therapeutic for me to get stuff out, to have somewhere to go when I need to let it out.  So, thank you, ladies, I appreciate it.  Also I had someone say for me to blog about movies and books that I read..another great idea!  So pretty much I will mesh the two together and see what happens.  

Right now I'm gonna talk about something that's been on my mind for like a week.  I realized one day that I stopped singing.  I used to be the most aggravating person.  Someone who sang like she could, but really couldn't.  Drove my daughter nuts.  I would belt out in the car when I was driving, even when I was the passenger.  Probably aggravated my mother quite some bit.  When I realized this my heart fell.  How did something so much a part of me disappear?  I noticed I stopped paying attention to words and music, even though I put it on I just have it in the background.  No dancing, no singing, nothing.  I don't know what happened, and I don't know how to get it back.  I tried today and just couldn't do it.  I just couldn't get into it. 

 It depresses me some because I have always loved music.  Every kind of music, except some rap.  One day when I was little my dad sat me down and asked me about my hopes and dreams.  The only thing I could think to say was I wanted to sing. Of course he shook his head at my pipe dream and that was the end of it but I think of that day now and wonder what happened to her.  I miss her and it's frustrating to think that I've lost the only spunk I had left in me.

Ouch.  I have to give myself two shots a day in the stomach.  The medicine is really thick so it burns so much.  I only have to be on it for another three months so I see that the end is near!  I just had to give myself a shot so it was on my brain...

Madisyn and I have gotten into watching Korean dramas.  They are so funny.  I love it.  Sometimes they put the English subtitles so fast that I miss what they say but it never matters.  I'm so mad, Madisyn isn't allowed to watch t.v. right now so I don't get to watch my Korean drama!  Right now the one we are watching is called The Secret Garden, we haven't gotten there yet but in the show this girl and this guy switch bodies.  So it should be interesting.  I'm already laughing.  Oh so much fun.

Madisyn told me if I watch one episode without her she will watch the whole series without me, probably in one night.  She's good at that.  T.V. series marathons.  I can do it but for only so long.  Right now I am trying to marathon Mary, Queen of Scots, the first season.  Absolutely love it but I haven't gone back to it in like a week.  I just get out of the mood and want to watch something else.  Especially with series' like that who have over twenty episodes.  It gets daunting.

Right now I have Ed Sheeran playing in my head.  If you haven't heard of him or don't know his music I suggest you get on Spotify and shuffle play his albums.  I have this song from his new album in my head.  It's one of the slow songs.  It's so beautiful and moving.  It's called Photograph.  Just check it out, maybe you'll love it, maybe you'll hate it but you'll never know if you don't listen.

Well, I guess I've rambled enough for today.  Thanks for reading!


Saturday, November 15, 2014

themed blogging anyone?

I pretty much forgot about the blog today, well yesterday, it's after midnight again.  Should I give into the fact that I forgot one day and just call this today's blog?  Nah, I didn't think so either.


Today I was able to get a little bit accomplished.  Not all that I wanted to get accomplished.  I wasn't as energized today saturday) as I was yesterday (friday).  In after breakfast I had kind of succumbed to not moving at all.  Crawled onto the couch and lay there just talking to Madisyn.  I had cooked breakfast this morning for myself, Madisyn, and my mom today.  My mom come by to help me with pricing stuff for a garage sale we are having in December.  I had gotten so much done Friday that she only needed to stay for a couple hours instead of the day she planned to stay.  After she left I worked on posting some stuff on ebay and cleaned out the fridge.  Exciting right?  

There just isn't enough to talk about for a daily blog.  My life isn't interesting enough to write about daily so I think I've decided on themed blogging.  I just made that up but it's to mean, a blog that I talk about something specific.  I haven't gotten any ideas from anyone yet so if you have anything you want me to write about.  Any questions you may have about cancer.  Anything like that, let me know at shannoncmcalister@gmail.com  

I jsut finished reading a book called The Forest of Hands and Teeth.  It's been on my read list for a good few years now, probably more.  I didn't know what it was about, I just knew I accidentally bought a book called The Dead-Tossed Waves, well not accidentally, I just didn't know it had a book that came before it, so before I could read that book I had to remember to find the first book.  I found it on display at the library, yay!  You can imagine my happiness when I open the book to find it about zombie's!  Yet another series in which no one calls them by the word zombies (*ahem*cough*The Walking Dead).  The first book it's the Unconsecrated and the second it's Mudo's in the second, and haven't gotten to the third yet so I don't know.  But the first book is so good.  I read it so fast.  I had been wondering why I haven't been able to finish this book I've been trying to read for a month now, I realize it must be that I don't like the book because I just flew through that book.  I love it, and now have another favorite author, Carrie Ryan.  If you like the supernatural, you.will.love.this.

That's it for today folks, wish I could say more but I've started falling asleep.  So good night, good morning, whichever.

Friday, November 14, 2014

totally miss my fireplaces

I'm starting before midnight!  It won't be posted before it though.  Ah but I'm getting closer.  Anyway I guess I kind of had a productive day.  I didn't wake up feeling like hell like yesterday.  I've had more pain in my chest then normal but I did more then normal today.  


So, remember how I was saying Madisyn and I have been working on a project nonstop for, I don't know three days, working through the night and such?  Well she turned it in today and to find out she did five times the amount of work necessary.  That's my kid.  Making life harder on herself, sounds really familiar.  She's so much like me lol.  Poor thing.

I totally forget what this weather does to my hands.  With the lymphodema in my arms (swelling from lack of lymphnodes, you know cuz we took them out because they had a bunch of cancer, and then took out more, and then took out more, you get the picture) my hands get really really dry and also really really smooth.  Smooth but not in a good way.  They crack like as soon as cold weather hits and pretty soon I will be wearing gloves 24/7 because they will hurt and it will be impossible to do anything with my hands.   Then they start breaking down.  I'm so excited it's winter.  Catch that sarcasm?  The life of a chronic chick.

Other than that I love the cold.  Fireplaces, hot chocolate, fire logs, eggnog, soup, chili, etc, etc.  All stuff I don't think I can eat anymore.  I need recipes people!  Recipes with low sodium and low carbohydrates.  Recipes that use fresh stuff not canned and stuff, no salt, no seasonings with salt, etc.  Please help!  Email me shannoncmcalister@gmail.com

Plus we don't have a fireplace anymore.  I would buy one of those electric ones but the good ones that actually give off heat cost way too much.  Totally miss my fireplaces.

Just want to say it again for ya.  My chest hurts.  I have this tumor that's gotten bigger.  It's the same one that sent me to the emergency room last January I think.  It was pressing on my chest making it impossible to inhale without being in excruciating pain.  I was in the hospital for a week while they tried to figure out what was causing it.  They thought it was my heart so I was on the cardiac floor.  I like that floor lol.  Very quiet and attentive.  We ended up having to do targeted radiation to shrink the tumor.  I hope we can do that again.

I went to church last weekend for the first time in so long. I'll just say pastor was speaking to me this past weekend and it was a great experience and I'm glad I was able to go.  Same thing for The Single Mom's Ministry this past weekend.  Just was amazing.  I have my ups and downs with God, but thats for another blog.  I already have too much here.

I stopped having the ability to stay conscious when I wanted to, so awhile ago I handed my keys and car to my mother (agh! it drives me nuts, especially now when I'm doing so much better and I feel like I can drive, not like to Houston but around town, run errands, etc).  Of course, their car breaks down and now it's their only car so I guess that I'm never getting it back.  They don't trust that I can drive so if I'm going to drive again I have to start saving for a car.  I'm not thinking that it's very fair but I will admit that they actually gave me the car after I was in a hit and run that totalled my car.  They gave it to me after I finished my first cancer's treatment.  As a congratulatory.  It's one of the best gifts ever.  So the fact that they have it now is okay.  It's not like it was ever in my name, they just said it was mine.  They fixed it and stuff so it technically was never mine, they took care of it.  I appreciate the time I had with the car lol.  But I miss having somewhere to put my stickers lol.  I miss being able to go where I want when I want.  I said that before.  Now my mom brings me everywhere and I think I've said this before too, but I have no idea how she hasn't killed me yet.  She gets the worst of me.  I'm a cranky bitch.  She says she just ignores it, I don't know how she does it.  Another reason why I'm perfectly happy being single, I'm not sure anyone else could handle my mood swings.

Mood swings!  I can talk about that next time!  Oh I can't wait!  

Is there anything any of you want me to talk about for future blogs?  I can write off the top of my head but I don't know if you guys like reading about my very exciting life lol.  Please tell me!


Thursday, November 13, 2014

come back to earth

So I'm at a loss of what to talk about today.  I'm late, as usual, posting after midnight for the day before.  I've been working really hard with Madisyn for school.  This week we've gone one night without sleeping, one with three hours, and tonight I think she is going to be up all night again.  But if she didn't leave a project she got a month ago to the last week then life would probably be easier.  So, she's grounded till I see she knows how to do her work.  She's always had a problem with homework, and well, doing it.  But that's all I'm going to say because she's in high school now and would die if she saw me writing about her at all.  


Earlier today I had a complete thought about what to write about and I didn't write it down, so the ramblings of Shannon continue with no direction.

I guess I will tell you about my day.  It was a bad one...not the part where I worked from 3-12 helping my child with a project (don't worry she did it, it was to make a manga, she drew and wrote it, I just typed up what was said and glued it...took FOR-EV-ER!).  The part where I woke up with a migraine, feeling like I smoked a pack of cigarettes the night before while out dancing, and nausea like I was on major chemotherapy.  My body refused to move.  Had an appointment to go grocery shopping with my mom, to which my mom did it for me.  Love my mom.  Especially because she takes my bitchiness very well.  I would have shot me by now.  But back to today. It was a mystery to me why I woke up that way.  I used to wake up like that a lot and once I realized why those mornings had stopped I realized why it happened again.  I was so tired last night that I passed out without putting my BiPap machine back on.  I slept with no oxygen, no BiPap, no nuthin.  

This made me realize two things.  Don't ever forget to do that again.  I still have the migraine.  It was my lung doctor who, once I told him my symptoms of how I wake up, it was him who realized I'm not breathing right and getting enough oxygen and that my lungs weren't working right (GO CIGARETTE SMOKERS! HAVE A BLAST!)  My lung problems, thankfully, can't be attributed to smoking, they are attributed to chemo.  I have before and afters.  But it just as easily could be me with lung cancer or messed up lungs from smoking.  But lung problems are lung problems no matter how you get them, none deserved more then the other so just know I'm not saying that at all.  I'm just saying quit already cuz this sucks ass.

So I forgot my BiPap, so I had a day of horribleness.  First was getting myself up.  I felt like if I were to try to get up I would fall apart like the vamprires do in some of the movies.  They just kind of turn to dust.  I don't know if that was a good metaphor or not because it's hard to describe.  I guess kind of like when you have the flu and your whole body aches, kind of like that.  Well a lot like that. I had to take nausea meds first.  Then I did my nebulizer, which was bad idea cuz it made me almost throw up.  I have to do my blood sugar and weight before I eat so I did those real fast ( I have to weigh myself daily and if I gain a few pounds I have to take more fluid pills because that means my I'm filling up with fluid and we need to get it out of there).  So then I cooked breakfast, yummy.  Yep I dragged myself to the kitchen and cooked a whole meal for myself.  That was an accomplishment for a day like today. 

After I ate I went upstairs and finished my vitals and all the other stuff I do in the mornings (blood pressure, oxygen levels, potassium cocktail, take meds, blood thinner shot, and other stuff).  By the time I finished all this and showered, I sat down with my BiPap to read and Madisyn comes home from school.  Yep, that took all.day.long.  So tonight, the BiPap is my best friend.  

And two (in the things it made me realize) is that I actually need the BiPap.  It made me realize, yep, there's something real wrong there.  I hadn't woken up like that since I have been on it, and as soon as I forgot, it was back.  It's one of those things, like my oxygen, I (along with some accusing people) would wonder if I was "faking" needing oxygen and well I wasn't sure (even though I took a strenuous test to see if I needed one at home) if I needed the BiPap.  You always second doubt yourself.  I had kind of maybe, well, hoped, that I didn't really need it.  So it proved me wrong, and I have to take that in, to admit to myself, "well, I am a little sick".  I spend my life trying to ignore it but sometimes on days like today it slaps me in the face and says get your head out of the clouds and come back to earth.  It's not like other days I'm super not sick, just not like today.  I say that because it has been hard lately physically and I can just look around and remember that I've had a bad week or two.

But I will use what I need to use to stay "not as sick" as today.  And hopefully I won't need it at all at some point.  Well I'm not sure I want to try and see, cuz I don't want today again if I can help it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

like me, love me, hate me

I want to start with, thank you.  I've had such a positive response to my writings.  Messages from some of you, some of you have been my cheerleaders, and some of you have in turn, shared your story with me.  For all of that, thank you.  Life is hard.  We all know that.  We don't have to do it alone.  I'm not talking about significant others but sometimes just a friend can change your day.  Give it a try.  I am currently accepting friend applications.  Please contact me at....just kidding!  No applications necessary!  

I had SurviveDat last night, I'm not sure if I mentioned it yesterday.  SurviveDat is a support group for young woman with breast cancer and let me tell you, yesterday's meeting couldn't have come at a better time.  They all let me cry it out.  They let me talk about everything and didn't judge or turn away or cut me off.  They waited till I was composed enough to talk, and then they listened.  They all put themselves in my shoes and felt my pain.  

My prayer tonight is I wish every single one of you has at least one person in your life you can do that with.  It's hard when you are a single parent, I know not only because I've been living it for umpteen years but because I've talked to others too.  It's hard to have someone to trust, someone you put your faith in to be your best friend.  Because it hurts when it ends.  No matter how it ends, and somewhere along the way, I for one, have become a closed door.  I rarely let anyone new in and when it happens it's because they banged on the door and put their foot in the door before I could close it (metaphorically).  It's something some either know about me, or they don't. 

I wear a pretty good mask, a lot.  Kind of proud of it.  No matter what I could always get away with saying I'm fine.  My mask has become a little wrinkly.  My TMJ has done it's damage and I'm not sure if my face even smiles anymore.  That's something (well something similar) I spoke about in group last night.  I miss my old self, but I even miss the post cancer me that was positive.  I sure had a cherry time in my life and I wonder how I have come to where I am.  It has a lot to do with the hurt and pain in all aspects of my life.  I'm trying to find my way out of that mask, out of this hole and back out into life.  

So I hope you enjoy the ride.  Who knows what you will get from this bipolar with major depression syndrome, high anxiety, epileptic,diabetic, cancer chick in heart failure will have to say on a day to day basis.  I'm kind of scared because I refuse to edit and reread before I post.  Or I won't post it at all.  I'll keep trying to fix it.  So you get what you get from me.  Like me, love me, or hate me, it's up to you.  I just hope you keep coming back for more.

xo