Monday, November 24, 2014

how do i say thanks?

Today was a good day.  Well a decent one anyway.  Physically I was okay.  Just some pain in my chest that I can handle.  I woke up nauseous and dry heaving but the rest of the day was okay.  I had stomach pains mid day that kept me in bed for a little while but all in all I can say it ended well.  It doesn't sound like a good day does it?  Maybe it wasn't the best.  It kept me from getting much accomplished but I did check a few things off my list.  Well not a lot but some.  Man my days are confusing to write about.  I'm confusing myself.  Pretty much, right now I feel okay and I got a little bit done today.  Anyway...

Thanksgiving coming up and I want to tell all of you how thankful I am to have you in my life.  Whether through facebook, twitter, tumblr, caringbridge, or carepages, however you made it to my blog, thanks for showing up and showing your support.  It helps me more then you know.  To think that people care to hear what I have to say is humbling to say the least.  I don't know how we know each other, but thanks for being in my life. 

This past year, well six months has taught me a lot about being thankful.  I've come a long way since August and I owe it all to all of you who have stood by my side.  Whether you show your support through prayers, meals, helping out around the house, or just by loving me, I appreciate it.  I don't get to always thank everyone all the time.  Sometimes a simple thank you doesn't feel like enough.  In fact a lot of times a simple thank you doesn't feel like enough.  It feels like something so small when the thanks feels so big.  Like, say you took time to make a whole pot of gumbo, salt free, so you know you aren't eating it, just so you could bring some to me.  How do I say thanks for that?  Or say, on the way you stop and pick me up a mini fridge and comfy blanket, how do I say thanks.  Or you spent time pouring over craigslist just so you could maybe find a mini fridge just to bring to me.  Many things are just hard to give all the thanks I want or feel it needs.  So take this as a super thanks!
I love you!

Well, I got further into the third book of Hereafter: Elegy and so far I still like it!  Maybe I was just not feeling well when I put the second book down.  Maybe I was having headaches and just got frustrated and aggravated and put the book down and thought I didn't like it.  Whatever it was, I'm glad I came back.  The third book has the demons coming back for her and threatening to kill anyone she cares about, again.  Well I guess that's always the case.  It normally is the same story over and over, just different in a way.  And so far it's really cool.  I have a favorite part of the book already and I'm not even halfway through.  So if you like supernatural, read away.

I'm hoping to go non fiction for my next book or maybe just not supernatural but I always kind of just make split decisions when I pick up a book.  Well I kind of already started another book.  One of my favorite series, Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead finished and then she wrote a series that took a couple characters and put them in a situation to where they are working together.  It's a series as good as the first and at some point I got caught up, had to wait for the next book to come out, and by the time I got it I had started on other series and am finally at a point where I feel I could start this series again.  I have a few books to catch up on but I have time.  The off series is called Bloodlines and I am on Bloodlines: The Indigo Spell.  So far I really like it.  I made the decision to not go back and reread the last book so it's a little confusing at times and instead of knowing I just have to go with it.  It's worked so far.

Tomorrow Madisyn gets to go see The Mockingjay, the third Hunger Games movie.  I'm really jealous so if anyone wants to go to the movies and is offering to drive I'm all in!

Well good night for now.  And sleep well.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

hello bad eating decisions

So, I'm feeling better then yesterday.  Just wanted to start off with that since I think I went on a "woest me" rant in the blog before this one.  Today I did not pop one nausea pill, praise Jesus.  

So excited to finally say I finished the book series I was reading, The Forest of Hands and Teeth Trilogy. It. was. fantastic.  I was scared it was going to end too soon.  I was scared I was going to feel empty without it in my life lol.  I'm completely satisfied.   

I'm back to reading the series I was reading before that which was the Hereafter Trilogy.  It's about a girl who is a ghost but becomes visible to one guy.  I just finished the second book today, in which she becomes visible, to well, everyone.  Sorry, I don't think that's much of a give away thing because, well, I just don't.  Sorry if I spoiled anything.  The series is about her, her boyfriend, his family, demons, seers, witches, etc.  No zombies or vampires anywhere.  Still good though.  I started getting bored so I switched series' to The Forest and went back to Hereafter today and ended up really liking it and deciding I would finish the series, after having decided prior to this that I wouldn't finish it.  Hopefully I don't kick myself after I read it and wonder why I wasted my time.  It's hard to get past the fact that mid book I just got bored.  It had plenty of action, I just wasn't into it.  I'm talking only of the second book.  I really enjoyed the first one and was stoked to see it was a trilogy.  Yep that was the word stoked.  It was the second book that almost made me stop reading it.  Glad I gave it a second try though, I liked the way it ended and so far, I like the way the third one has begun.

I was checking out the Carrie Ryan website when I put the link to it above and guess what I found out!  There are short stories about the trilogy everywhere!  I have to read all of them! Screw the "I'm completely satisfied" comment lol.  I'm so excited!  New project: find every book ever written with a short story by Carrie Ryan in it.  And go!  

I made the huge mistake of going to a Thanksgiving potluck tonight.  Hello bad eating decisions.  I have to say though, I didn't really eat any dessert, or most of my plate.  The turkey itself was probably enough sodium to kill me. So pray for me guys.  

Super aggravated about this blog though.  I've contacted google twice about it.  No answer.  The problem being, they have taken away my ability to edit my blog.  So I can't add anything to it except posts.  Can't take anything away either.  Except posts.  So pretty much all I can do is make new posts or delete old posts.  I can't make it pretty for you guys or add any pictures on my picture page.  It's probably because I left it dormant for so long.  But seriously, that's stupid.  S.T.U.P.I.D.

My hair is really great today, to bad you can't see it. lol.  


Good Night!!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

my head hurts so i'm not making sense

My bad guys.  I haven't been feeling 100% the past couple days.  I had my shot the other day and it knocks me down.  I did manage to squeeze in a concert before it all hit though!  The night I got my shot my friend, Julie, took me to a Casting Crowns concert.  For those who just read that and said what the hells a casting crown lol, they are a Christian band that sings some great songs.  A whole bunch of great songs.  They keep shoveling them out too.  It really was a great experience.  Thanks Julie!

Super glad I had a good Thursday night because I was passed out by six on Wednesday, after my shot, and nauseous and with a headache full of pain everywhere Friday, and passed out by sevenish.  Woke up this morning, still nauseous, my skin hurting anyitme anything even just brushed it.  Still with this monster headache.  I haven't been controlling the pain very well.  It's a "learn as you go" type thing.  I'm not learning very well.  I've had three shots since I've been out the hospital (before the hospital I was getting my shots on the same day as herceptin so it was hard to pinpoint what side effects were from the shots) and I'm still trying to register what I need and don't need.  My head hurts so I don't think I'm making sense right now.  If I'm not, I'm sorry.  My mom tells me everytime that it's always as bad as it feels, so I guess I need to remember that so I'm not shocked every time.  

What did make me forget about how bad I feel was my friend, Kristin.  She came by with some low salt gumbo for us!  Can't tell you how perfect the timing was either.  She's been wanting to bring food by since I got out the hospital, and it's super awesome she brought it just now.  I don't have to think about food, for about a month lol.  When she brings food, she brings food.  It was so great to have her come and visit, I haven't laughed so much in a long time.  Love you Kristin!

I felt so bad this morning.  I was kind of confused.  Completely forgot about my whole morning routine (taking vitals, giving myself a shot, taking medicine, etc).  Absolutely ridiculous!  It's not like I haven't missed the routine some mornings, it's just normally if I skip it, it's a conscious decision and I take my morning meds and give myself a shot,and weigh myself (my weight determines the amount of potassium and furosemide-my fluid pill-e I take daily.  I have to maintain the fluid, if I retain fluid it shows on the scale.  Sometimes I have gained as much as five pounds in one night from the day before)  the necessities.  Today I did weigh myself, but then my mind completely shut down.  I'm still shocked at myself.  

I have almost finished my book though!  I would have finished it by now but sleeping kind of took over my life for a couple days.  Then last night I woke up about 1:30 and couldn't get back to sleep.  I read some, tried to sleep some, but I still felt awful and all I wanted to do was sleep but my brain wouldn't shut down with me.  I couldn't even force myself to play on my phone or computer.  It would have taken to much effort.  Pathetic I know.  But I'm so close to the end it's frustrating.  So much action and it's like how is this book going to end?!  That's not enough pages to cover what I want to know. Can't wait to finish.  It's staring me in the face right now.
Until next time...
Good night.  Sleep well.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

totally fun filled

Today was a fun filled day.  We had a doctors appointment for Madisyn this morning.  Then after that another one for me, and my appointment is a three in one appointment.  For labs to be done, then to see the oncologist, then for my monthly shot and a port flush.  Like I said, fun filled.  I have stuck with a needle six times today.  Totally fun filled.  I came home and passed out.  Woke up from about five to seven and am just waking up now, around eleven p.m.  I'm pretty sure I will be able to sleep after this too.  I have a fun filled day of appointments tomorrow.  This time all for me.  Yay (sarcasm intended)!  

I finished reading The Dead-Tossed Waves by Carrie Ryan today.  I'm on to The Dark and Hollow Places, the third and final book in this series.  The one I finished today kind of ended on an okay note.  I was literally kind of like, "okayyyy".  But she had to end it somehow right?  The third one seems not to jump fifteen or twenty years into the future, like the last one did.  It looks to be of the same timeline as the second one, but I haven't started reading it yet, that's a guesstimation from reading the back and side covers.  The writer sure knows how to keep you wanting to come back for more and is the one series; lately, that I have found myself thinking about the characters all the time.  If I'm not reading it, all I want is to be reading it again.  

I mentioned it to one of the girls in the lab today.  Her and I are always, always, switching book tips.  I told her about it and she says her daughter is reading it in school and is the required reading in school.  Shocked me!  We never were made to read books about zombies in school.  I don't remember it anyway, then again, I really don't remember reading anything for school, though I know I must have.  I am so jealous of the kids these days. Zombies.  In school.  God bless them. Years ago, Madisyn was required to read Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief.  I read it with her, and so began our life in novels.  We share books, tell each other about them, sometimes listen to each other about reading them, sometimes not.  We finished that series and she went and read the other two series that were born off of that series by Rick Riordan, while I stopped and went on to other books.  No reason really, I have intentions to go back and read the other books, I guess I got to the point where I needed a break from reading them.  I don't know.  

We went to a signing in Metarie a couple years ago and were able to meet the author, which I am thankful to have the memory of.  It helps me on days when I feel like I suck as a mom because I can't do stuff with my kid and make memories of our own, I  think to that memory and others and realize I am a good mother, it's just where we are right now.  We may be in this limbo place forever but hopefully not.  

Another memory I hold on to is, one day she had an audition in New Orleans and heard about auditions for the Disney going on the following day in Austin, Texas.  So, being the awesome mother I am, I brought it up and said "ROAD TRIP!"  So for the next eleven hours we drove to Austin.  We made it in time to audition and we jumped back in the car and went home.  If I was really as cool as I claim, I would have called my cousin, or my best friends brother, who both live there, and go pass out on the couch for a little bit.  Then wake up and do some Austin touring.  But I wanted us to get back, for whatever reason.  There was a birthday party for one of my best friends that night maybe that why.  I just remember we didn't stay and we drove back.  The road trip was the best part.  

I used to feel the need to make memories like that.  Maybe I had foreseen stuff like me being unable to drive.  I don't know, but I'm glad I never listen when someone tells me I can't do something.  Now if someone tells me I can't do something, half the time I have to listen because; well, if they won't bring me then we can't go.  Plus I can't offer to pay their way so sometimes I feel like I can't ask.  So we end up in our little cocoon at home.  Oh it's frustrating, to go from free spirit to caged animal.  I realize I really am not a caged animal, I mean I would be fed three meals a day, plus some snacks by some random worker lol.  But you get the analogy right?

Well that's about it for tonight.  Except I meant to tell you about how I tried double socking.  It worked!  Warm and toasty toes for me from now on!  Now I know, and for days double socking does not work, I will try triple socking it.  Now that's really it.  Good night and sleep well!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

we live in freaking louisiana

Okay, so today is one of those days when I try to think of every excuse in the book to do absolutely nothing.  I've been talking myself out of starting on this for probably three hours. now.  In reality I had to do my night stuff so that took, what seemed like no time at all.  Some days it feels like it takes so long to do.  I talked myself out of doing the last couple dishes, and talked myself out of doing a few other things as well.  The crazy part is that now, I have a migraine and am telling myself I promised myself  I would write and that I know if I stop I won't start back up again.  Kind of like going to the gym, right?

I'm still reading The Dead-Tossed Waves by Carrie Ryan.  That's what has torn me away from everything and caused me to be half-ass all day.  May as well finish those last two dishes right?  This book is so good though.  It's about this girl, the daughter of the girl in the first one, and she kind of ends up following in the footsteps of her mother.  Quite literally in fact.  The basis, again for those who maybe didn't read a couple blogs ago, is the zombie Apocalypse where they are called anything but zombie's.  There are towns that live within the confines of fences, or like this one, has the ocean as a border, to keep the zombie's out.  That's about all I feel I can get into without giving away plotlines.  The writer tells the story so well that it's all I can think about when I'm not sitting down with it in my hands.  I now wonder how I will live life when I'm finished with this series.  It's a three book series, so I'm halfway there.

Guess who is getting out the house to go have fun...this girl!  Thursday night, Casting Crowns.  Can't wait, Julie!

I hope the oxygen tanks don't mess us up too bad.

Have I ever told you how much I love my kid?  Well I do, a lot.  She's a young lady now, not a kid, I must remember.  So hard to, right?

Oh my gosh.  So we have this problem in our apartment.  The downstairs is freezing, and upstairs is so hot with the heater on.  But if I put it one degree lower it gets freezing and I seriously have a toe problem.  I already have numb toes, or parts of toes, but sometimes they become numb from just being in here and I will have on fuzzy socks.  I guess I need to double up.  Once I had these socks that I got from Mary Bird, a volunteer had made them, and still, to this day, they are the warmest sock I have ever had.  I lost one a couple years ago.  I think they are both gone now.  Frustration!  I need good socks if I plan to keep my toes this winter.  We freaking live in Louisiana, you don't anticipate this stuff until it happens.  Though, it now happens every year.  I remember, as a kid, wearing short sleeves all winter.  Except those two times it snowed when we were kids.  It's snowed more now but then it was all we got for years.  I keep expecting warm winters lol.

This will be it for the night.  Madisyn has an early doctors appointment, routine medicine check, early in the morning, and I have one after that.  My mom gets to bring her to school while I go hang out at the doctors office.  Fun times for all of us tomorrow!

Good night, sleep well.

Monday, November 17, 2014

blame it on sickness

I think I figured out the reason why I stopped singing.  I think it has something to do with my lung problems and not having enough air to sing.  I tried singing a few times today and it's as if I literally cannot sing.  Not that I can't open my mouth and let words come out but they come out raspy and breathy.  And it seems to take a whole lot of effort too.  So, I think one day it became to hard and I just stopped unconsciously.  So, mystery solved.  Blame it on sickness, that always works.  :-)

I had one of those days where you drop everything, spill everything, trip over everything, etc.  I kind of have it on a daily basis but today it was something I can't put into words.  I fixed myself a drink.  Took one sip, knocked it over but caught it before everything spilled.  Then after I finished cleaning that up and was completely on another task my oxygen line knocks over the glass again.  I had even moved it to a different table thinking it would be safer there.  Not from ADHD Shannon.  Nothing is safe.  I spent my day picking up things, rewashing things I already washed because I dropped it, and starving myself of liquid in fear that I would throw down with that glass.  By 6:30 I was a wreck.  I gotta say though, you guys liking and commenting on my Facebook picture today actually made me feel a lot better.  So thanks to everyone who helped with that (by liking or commenting) because it made my day.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to get another dog.  All this sign language Cassie does makes me a little spoiled.  She doesn't bark, unless you ignore her.  She does this thing when she needs to go outside where she comes and lightly walks next to me enough to where some part of her touches me.  It's easy to ignore because you think she did it on accident, but there is always something she is trying to convey.  Except right now.  I just took her outside, made sure she had food, and gave her a treat.  Check, check, check.  There is no number four yet she's doing her sign language.  I always feel guilty when I can't figure out what she's saying because she's really insistent, it makes me feel bad.  She's got the funniest incessant stare that says, the equivalent to, "Can you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth!"  Who remembers that?  So funny.  Or maybe, "are you listening to me at all?!"  Anyway it cracks me up everytime.

That's about all for today, except, wasn't it friggin cold today!

Sunday, November 16, 2014

i stopped singing

This blog may actually get posted before tomorrow...yay!

I was excited to have some responses to my last blog about themed blogging.  Some said that they enjoy just reading about what I have to say and that they know it's therapeutic for me to get stuff out, to have somewhere to go when I need to let it out.  So, thank you, ladies, I appreciate it.  Also I had someone say for me to blog about movies and books that I read..another great idea!  So pretty much I will mesh the two together and see what happens.  

Right now I'm gonna talk about something that's been on my mind for like a week.  I realized one day that I stopped singing.  I used to be the most aggravating person.  Someone who sang like she could, but really couldn't.  Drove my daughter nuts.  I would belt out in the car when I was driving, even when I was the passenger.  Probably aggravated my mother quite some bit.  When I realized this my heart fell.  How did something so much a part of me disappear?  I noticed I stopped paying attention to words and music, even though I put it on I just have it in the background.  No dancing, no singing, nothing.  I don't know what happened, and I don't know how to get it back.  I tried today and just couldn't do it.  I just couldn't get into it. 

 It depresses me some because I have always loved music.  Every kind of music, except some rap.  One day when I was little my dad sat me down and asked me about my hopes and dreams.  The only thing I could think to say was I wanted to sing. Of course he shook his head at my pipe dream and that was the end of it but I think of that day now and wonder what happened to her.  I miss her and it's frustrating to think that I've lost the only spunk I had left in me.

Ouch.  I have to give myself two shots a day in the stomach.  The medicine is really thick so it burns so much.  I only have to be on it for another three months so I see that the end is near!  I just had to give myself a shot so it was on my brain...

Madisyn and I have gotten into watching Korean dramas.  They are so funny.  I love it.  Sometimes they put the English subtitles so fast that I miss what they say but it never matters.  I'm so mad, Madisyn isn't allowed to watch t.v. right now so I don't get to watch my Korean drama!  Right now the one we are watching is called The Secret Garden, we haven't gotten there yet but in the show this girl and this guy switch bodies.  So it should be interesting.  I'm already laughing.  Oh so much fun.

Madisyn told me if I watch one episode without her she will watch the whole series without me, probably in one night.  She's good at that.  T.V. series marathons.  I can do it but for only so long.  Right now I am trying to marathon Mary, Queen of Scots, the first season.  Absolutely love it but I haven't gone back to it in like a week.  I just get out of the mood and want to watch something else.  Especially with series' like that who have over twenty episodes.  It gets daunting.

Right now I have Ed Sheeran playing in my head.  If you haven't heard of him or don't know his music I suggest you get on Spotify and shuffle play his albums.  I have this song from his new album in my head.  It's one of the slow songs.  It's so beautiful and moving.  It's called Photograph.  Just check it out, maybe you'll love it, maybe you'll hate it but you'll never know if you don't listen.

Well, I guess I've rambled enough for today.  Thanks for reading!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

themed blogging anyone?

I pretty much forgot about the blog today, well yesterday, it's after midnight again.  Should I give into the fact that I forgot one day and just call this today's blog?  Nah, I didn't think so either.

Today I was able to get a little bit accomplished.  Not all that I wanted to get accomplished.  I wasn't as energized today saturday) as I was yesterday (friday).  In after breakfast I had kind of succumbed to not moving at all.  Crawled onto the couch and lay there just talking to Madisyn.  I had cooked breakfast this morning for myself, Madisyn, and my mom today.  My mom come by to help me with pricing stuff for a garage sale we are having in December.  I had gotten so much done Friday that she only needed to stay for a couple hours instead of the day she planned to stay.  After she left I worked on posting some stuff on ebay and cleaned out the fridge.  Exciting right?  

There just isn't enough to talk about for a daily blog.  My life isn't interesting enough to write about daily so I think I've decided on themed blogging.  I just made that up but it's to mean, a blog that I talk about something specific.  I haven't gotten any ideas from anyone yet so if you have anything you want me to write about.  Any questions you may have about cancer.  Anything like that, let me know at  

I jsut finished reading a book called The Forest of Hands and Teeth.  It's been on my read list for a good few years now, probably more.  I didn't know what it was about, I just knew I accidentally bought a book called The Dead-Tossed Waves, well not accidentally, I just didn't know it had a book that came before it, so before I could read that book I had to remember to find the first book.  I found it on display at the library, yay!  You can imagine my happiness when I open the book to find it about zombie's!  Yet another series in which no one calls them by the word zombies (*ahem*cough*The Walking Dead).  The first book it's the Unconsecrated and the second it's Mudo's in the second, and haven't gotten to the third yet so I don't know.  But the first book is so good.  I read it so fast.  I had been wondering why I haven't been able to finish this book I've been trying to read for a month now, I realize it must be that I don't like the book because I just flew through that book.  I love it, and now have another favorite author, Carrie Ryan.  If you like the supernatural,

That's it for today folks, wish I could say more but I've started falling asleep.  So good night, good morning, whichever.

Friday, November 14, 2014

totally miss my fireplaces

I'm starting before midnight!  It won't be posted before it though.  Ah but I'm getting closer.  Anyway I guess I kind of had a productive day.  I didn't wake up feeling like hell like yesterday.  I've had more pain in my chest then normal but I did more then normal today.  

So, remember how I was saying Madisyn and I have been working on a project nonstop for, I don't know three days, working through the night and such?  Well she turned it in today and to find out she did five times the amount of work necessary.  That's my kid.  Making life harder on herself, sounds really familiar.  She's so much like me lol.  Poor thing.

I totally forget what this weather does to my hands.  With the lymphodema in my arms (swelling from lack of lymphnodes, you know cuz we took them out because they had a bunch of cancer, and then took out more, and then took out more, you get the picture) my hands get really really dry and also really really smooth.  Smooth but not in a good way.  They crack like as soon as cold weather hits and pretty soon I will be wearing gloves 24/7 because they will hurt and it will be impossible to do anything with my hands.   Then they start breaking down.  I'm so excited it's winter.  Catch that sarcasm?  The life of a chronic chick.

Other than that I love the cold.  Fireplaces, hot chocolate, fire logs, eggnog, soup, chili, etc, etc.  All stuff I don't think I can eat anymore.  I need recipes people!  Recipes with low sodium and low carbohydrates.  Recipes that use fresh stuff not canned and stuff, no salt, no seasonings with salt, etc.  Please help!  Email me

Plus we don't have a fireplace anymore.  I would buy one of those electric ones but the good ones that actually give off heat cost way too much.  Totally miss my fireplaces.

Just want to say it again for ya.  My chest hurts.  I have this tumor that's gotten bigger.  It's the same one that sent me to the emergency room last January I think.  It was pressing on my chest making it impossible to inhale without being in excruciating pain.  I was in the hospital for a week while they tried to figure out what was causing it.  They thought it was my heart so I was on the cardiac floor.  I like that floor lol.  Very quiet and attentive.  We ended up having to do targeted radiation to shrink the tumor.  I hope we can do that again.

I went to church last weekend for the first time in so long. I'll just say pastor was speaking to me this past weekend and it was a great experience and I'm glad I was able to go.  Same thing for The Single Mom's Ministry this past weekend.  Just was amazing.  I have my ups and downs with God, but thats for another blog.  I already have too much here.

I stopped having the ability to stay conscious when I wanted to, so awhile ago I handed my keys and car to my mother (agh! it drives me nuts, especially now when I'm doing so much better and I feel like I can drive, not like to Houston but around town, run errands, etc).  Of course, their car breaks down and now it's their only car so I guess that I'm never getting it back.  They don't trust that I can drive so if I'm going to drive again I have to start saving for a car.  I'm not thinking that it's very fair but I will admit that they actually gave me the car after I was in a hit and run that totalled my car.  They gave it to me after I finished my first cancer's treatment.  As a congratulatory.  It's one of the best gifts ever.  So the fact that they have it now is okay.  It's not like it was ever in my name, they just said it was mine.  They fixed it and stuff so it technically was never mine, they took care of it.  I appreciate the time I had with the car lol.  But I miss having somewhere to put my stickers lol.  I miss being able to go where I want when I want.  I said that before.  Now my mom brings me everywhere and I think I've said this before too, but I have no idea how she hasn't killed me yet.  She gets the worst of me.  I'm a cranky bitch.  She says she just ignores it, I don't know how she does it.  Another reason why I'm perfectly happy being single, I'm not sure anyone else could handle my mood swings.

Mood swings!  I can talk about that next time!  Oh I can't wait!  

Is there anything any of you want me to talk about for future blogs?  I can write off the top of my head but I don't know if you guys like reading about my very exciting life lol.  Please tell me!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

come back to earth

So I'm at a loss of what to talk about today.  I'm late, as usual, posting after midnight for the day before.  I've been working really hard with Madisyn for school.  This week we've gone one night without sleeping, one with three hours, and tonight I think she is going to be up all night again.  But if she didn't leave a project she got a month ago to the last week then life would probably be easier.  So, she's grounded till I see she knows how to do her work.  She's always had a problem with homework, and well, doing it.  But that's all I'm going to say because she's in high school now and would die if she saw me writing about her at all.  

Earlier today I had a complete thought about what to write about and I didn't write it down, so the ramblings of Shannon continue with no direction.

I guess I will tell you about my day.  It was a bad one...not the part where I worked from 3-12 helping my child with a project (don't worry she did it, it was to make a manga, she drew and wrote it, I just typed up what was said and glued it...took FOR-EV-ER!).  The part where I woke up with a migraine, feeling like I smoked a pack of cigarettes the night before while out dancing, and nausea like I was on major chemotherapy.  My body refused to move.  Had an appointment to go grocery shopping with my mom, to which my mom did it for me.  Love my mom.  Especially because she takes my bitchiness very well.  I would have shot me by now.  But back to today. It was a mystery to me why I woke up that way.  I used to wake up like that a lot and once I realized why those mornings had stopped I realized why it happened again.  I was so tired last night that I passed out without putting my BiPap machine back on.  I slept with no oxygen, no BiPap, no nuthin.  

This made me realize two things.  Don't ever forget to do that again.  I still have the migraine.  It was my lung doctor who, once I told him my symptoms of how I wake up, it was him who realized I'm not breathing right and getting enough oxygen and that my lungs weren't working right (GO CIGARETTE SMOKERS! HAVE A BLAST!)  My lung problems, thankfully, can't be attributed to smoking, they are attributed to chemo.  I have before and afters.  But it just as easily could be me with lung cancer or messed up lungs from smoking.  But lung problems are lung problems no matter how you get them, none deserved more then the other so just know I'm not saying that at all.  I'm just saying quit already cuz this sucks ass.

So I forgot my BiPap, so I had a day of horribleness.  First was getting myself up.  I felt like if I were to try to get up I would fall apart like the vamprires do in some of the movies.  They just kind of turn to dust.  I don't know if that was a good metaphor or not because it's hard to describe.  I guess kind of like when you have the flu and your whole body aches, kind of like that.  Well a lot like that. I had to take nausea meds first.  Then I did my nebulizer, which was bad idea cuz it made me almost throw up.  I have to do my blood sugar and weight before I eat so I did those real fast ( I have to weigh myself daily and if I gain a few pounds I have to take more fluid pills because that means my I'm filling up with fluid and we need to get it out of there).  So then I cooked breakfast, yummy.  Yep I dragged myself to the kitchen and cooked a whole meal for myself.  That was an accomplishment for a day like today. 

After I ate I went upstairs and finished my vitals and all the other stuff I do in the mornings (blood pressure, oxygen levels, potassium cocktail, take meds, blood thinner shot, and other stuff).  By the time I finished all this and showered, I sat down with my BiPap to read and Madisyn comes home from school.  Yep, that took  So tonight, the BiPap is my best friend.  

And two (in the things it made me realize) is that I actually need the BiPap.  It made me realize, yep, there's something real wrong there.  I hadn't woken up like that since I have been on it, and as soon as I forgot, it was back.  It's one of those things, like my oxygen, I (along with some accusing people) would wonder if I was "faking" needing oxygen and well I wasn't sure (even though I took a strenuous test to see if I needed one at home) if I needed the BiPap.  You always second doubt yourself.  I had kind of maybe, well, hoped, that I didn't really need it.  So it proved me wrong, and I have to take that in, to admit to myself, "well, I am a little sick".  I spend my life trying to ignore it but sometimes on days like today it slaps me in the face and says get your head out of the clouds and come back to earth.  It's not like other days I'm super not sick, just not like today.  I say that because it has been hard lately physically and I can just look around and remember that I've had a bad week or two.

But I will use what I need to use to stay "not as sick" as today.  And hopefully I won't need it at all at some point.  Well I'm not sure I want to try and see, cuz I don't want today again if I can help it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

like me, love me, hate me

I want to start with, thank you.  I've had such a positive response to my writings.  Messages from some of you, some of you have been my cheerleaders, and some of you have in turn, shared your story with me.  For all of that, thank you.  Life is hard.  We all know that.  We don't have to do it alone.  I'm not talking about significant others but sometimes just a friend can change your day.  Give it a try.  I am currently accepting friend applications.  Please contact me at....just kidding!  No applications necessary!  

I had SurviveDat last night, I'm not sure if I mentioned it yesterday.  SurviveDat is a support group for young woman with breast cancer and let me tell you, yesterday's meeting couldn't have come at a better time.  They all let me cry it out.  They let me talk about everything and didn't judge or turn away or cut me off.  They waited till I was composed enough to talk, and then they listened.  They all put themselves in my shoes and felt my pain.  

My prayer tonight is I wish every single one of you has at least one person in your life you can do that with.  It's hard when you are a single parent, I know not only because I've been living it for umpteen years but because I've talked to others too.  It's hard to have someone to trust, someone you put your faith in to be your best friend.  Because it hurts when it ends.  No matter how it ends, and somewhere along the way, I for one, have become a closed door.  I rarely let anyone new in and when it happens it's because they banged on the door and put their foot in the door before I could close it (metaphorically).  It's something some either know about me, or they don't. 

I wear a pretty good mask, a lot.  Kind of proud of it.  No matter what I could always get away with saying I'm fine.  My mask has become a little wrinkly.  My TMJ has done it's damage and I'm not sure if my face even smiles anymore.  That's something (well something similar) I spoke about in group last night.  I miss my old self, but I even miss the post cancer me that was positive.  I sure had a cherry time in my life and I wonder how I have come to where I am.  It has a lot to do with the hurt and pain in all aspects of my life.  I'm trying to find my way out of that mask, out of this hole and back out into life.  

So I hope you enjoy the ride.  Who knows what you will get from this bipolar with major depression syndrome, high anxiety, epileptic,diabetic, cancer chick in heart failure will have to say on a day to day basis.  I'm kind of scared because I refuse to edit and reread before I post.  Or I won't post it at all.  I'll keep trying to fix it.  So you get what you get from me.  Like me, love me, or hate me, it's up to you.  I just hope you keep coming back for more.


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

For everything there is a time...

I watched The Fault in Our Stars yesterday.  When it was in theaters I refused to watch it even said I would never.  I have major ptsd from cancer and seeing it in film stirs major emotions in me and none of them good.  Anger, frustration, depression, sadness, aggravation, and just straight pissiness.  But one day my daughter was reading the book.  While she was at school curiosity got the best of me and I read it.  I. never. stopped. crying.  So, after this weekend I figured this is the best time to watch it.  While I"m already crying anyway.  OMG!  The movie was perfectly depicted from the book.  There was no "I don't remember that from the book" or "why did they not put yadayadayada in" (well except for her friend but I agree, she made no difference in the book either).  So if you read the book you won't be disappointed.

When I read it I had recently been released from the hospital, which was, for lack of better terms, the worst moments in my life.  But the series of events that occurred in the hospital kind of were exactly the events that happened in the beginning of the book to her.  Well, there were a gazillion more things that happened while I was in the hospital but the main parts were written for me in that book.  Put into a book.  A book that predated my own trip by a good while.  My emotions went c.r.a.z.y that day.  So wasn't I crazy to watch the movie?  Well to be honest, sure I cried, but it was nothing compared to that day.  Great movie though guys, watch it.

A couple years ago I was dating this guy.  A guy who seemed to know me inside and out.  I say seemed because in the manner that we broke up he didn't seem to know me at all.  But forget that.  At the time I was a huge Parenthood fan and religiously watched it.  Then they threw in cancer.  Not just any cancer, breast cancer.  I flipped.  Being someone who loved me so, I was strictly told not to ever watch the show again by said boyfriend.  He wasn't kidding.  He had found out what was happening on Parenthood and knew I was watching it and warned me just in time.  Gosh there was love there back then.  Oh well.  But that was just another example of my problems with cancer, I just wanted to paint a picture.

I guess it all stems from resenting it.  Resenting the life it took from me.  The carefree, semi-happy, mother who had energy to work, go to school full time, and be a mom.  Energy to bake on holidays, exercise twice a day, and the unseen hope that caused me to make future plans.  You don't realize it when it's happening, but in the position I've been in for the past 9 and 1/2 years I stopped making plans.  The plans that are made are ones like "m.d. andersons in three months, doctors appt next week, changing medicine at next appt, and that's about it.  It came to a point when I started standing up people on accident.  On accident because I'd be sick and asleep and never aware that I was supposed to be at such and such for such and such time.  Or a trip to a ranch that got cancelled the night before because my doctor didn't want me around horses.

I could go on but I was reminded today while at my SurviveDat meeting (a support group for young women with cancer) that God has his plans for me and it doesn't matter if I make plans or not, He will be the one in charge.  I can't tell you how much those girls mean to me.  They make this life bearable.  They remind me of the good when all I see is bad.  Thanks gals, if you read this one day.

I hope you all have people in your life like some of the ones I have come across.  I was also reminded that for every thing there is a time.  Friends too.  Some may be there and you never think you would ever not be friends and sometimes you realize you have to move on.  It's something I have been dealing with lately and it's hard.  It's hard to be hurt so badly by someone you love so much.  But for everything there is a time and that time is over.  Here's to the future!

Monday, November 10, 2014

Taylor Swift - Blank Space

Not happy, wait, no I'm happy

Here's the deal.  I'm gonna try and blog daily.  I know I know, you seriously doubt it right.  But I'm going to try and here is day two.  This will give me some sort of structure and maybe even clear my brain for more stuff.  My brain is so overloaded these days that it's hard to let another ounce of information in, and well, if I get it out maybe that will change.  I haven't got a clue what I will right about.  I used to have so much excitement when it came to writing and now it's hard to have excitement for much.

I lie.  I was seriously excited to go see Maleficent when it came into theaters.  Then when I preordered it and the new Taylor Swift album I was excited to see those come in too.  Excited to watch, and even enjoyed it.  My life can be so frustrating all the time that I forget the happiness.  Maybe on here I will document so I can come back and read it.

Sweet tea is another thing that makes me happy, knowing that I'm giving that up completely, well that makes me unhappy lol.  I'm still going to try and drink it, just without sugar.  Maybe splenda, or stevia, or something.  That whole diabetes thing I talked about in my last post ain't no joke.  My internal medicine doctor isn't a fan of the fact that I took the heart failure and ran with that diet and kinda pretended to not have diabetes.  I did stop drinking coke awhile back (hold your gasps) and I stick to sparkling water and have been loving sparkling juice.  Exactly the kind of thing my doctor does not love.  

As insane as this may sound, I was kind of ecstatic to finally get a BiPap machine.  When I left the hospital I actually was scared to go home without one.  Scared that what happened at the hospital would happen again.  I use the BiPap as a preventive device now.

I'm happy everytime I see one of Madisyn's drawings.  She took the summer to teach herself how to draw and she draws so well now.  I feel like such a failure next to her lol.  Each of her drawings speak to me, they are mostly anime but lately she has gotten into drawing her own drawings and she blows me away.

I took my dog to the groomer for the first time ever.  She was gone for maybe four hours and during those four hours I wasn't home.  I was running errands with my mom.  But when I picked her up and she came running to me my heart felt like it was just going to swell up and never stop.

Last for today, I got a phone call earlier.  I'm gonna predate this with I've had a whole weekend of crying.  I went to our Single Mom's Ministry at church on Friday and the Holy Spirit came and rushed over me, releasing all of my emotions that I have held back for a long time.  Still, in that groove there was a funeral I attended Saturday for a very special person, and I cried and cried.  Continued crying that night and woke up and went to church for the first time in a very long time.  I would always use the reason that I don't drive anymore, but my mom used to drive me and would if I just asked, and said she would this Sunday.  I stopped asking a long time ago, well because I felt bad.  I hate that my mom has to bring me everywhere probably more then she hates it.  Back to what I was saying, I went to church, and cried and cried and cried.  I talked to my mom after church and cried.  Just when I thought it was over, the weekend was gone and it was Monday and all was anew.  I received a phone call from someone who had been contacted by someone ( I don't know if they want to be recognized so I'm just going to call them someone) who wanted to bless us with some Thanksgiving dinner and help with Christmas for myself and Madisyn. And then I cried.  I didn't go to church and pray for this to happen, it just did. God saw my hurt soul.  He knows the pain and heartache that has happened lately. He sent someone to see our need and filled it and I can't be more happy.  They also brought us some fruit today just cuz I needed some.  

I know it was God who answered these unprayed prayers.  He saw this was something I needed after everything that has happened in the past six months.  Not just healthwise but in my personal life too.  He wants to take care of me through this and help me realize I have made it through all of it and to just look forward.  Not to look at the past, not at the hurt, the pain, or the heartbreak, but forward, to a new time, a new season.  I don't know what the future brings but right now, it's okay.